The Ledger, every show

“The New York Times writes articles about how Oh, romantic, love is changing, and, you know, we're all going to be polyamorous, or we're going to have hookups until we're 60, and it's all going to be great, and, you know, there's going to be lots of freedom, an…”

“Because the fact of the matter is, 70% of mental health professionals in North America say they seek Couples now, because the demand is huge, and most of those people have not been trained in couples therapy.”

“These things are not social conventions. They're not made up. You know, the New York Times writes articles about how Oh, romantic. Love is changing, and, you know, we're all going to be polyamorous, or we're going to have hookups until we're 60, and it's all g…”

“You need novelty when you're numbed out and shut down, and you need more and more novel sensation to have you get turned on. That's the way I see it. Novelty is about how we've numbed out our sexuality. Not how, no, it's not about freedom.”

“The fact of the matter is, 70% of mental health professionals in North America Say they see couples now, because the demand is huge, and most of those people have not been trained in couples therapy.”

“Therapists focus on conflict, teach you how to fight. Fair, and fighting fair is rubbish, ok? It's like, It's irrelevant. It's, you know, it's, so, you know and we don't look at what's going on underneath, which is lack of emotional connection.”

“You need novelty when you're numbed out and shut down. And you need more and more novel sensation to have you get turned on. That's the way I see it. Novelty is about how we've numbed our sexuality.”

“The overwhelming thing is people do not have affairs because of sexuality or sexual frustration. They have affairs because they're emotionally disconnected and alone.”

“People think, people say things like time will heal that it will not. Your brain holds onto it. It's significant survival information. When you needed, your partner wasn't there. They're no longer safe. You can't count on them.”

“The trouble is with communication skills that you can't, all the evidence, all the research says you can't use them when you need them.”

“And therapists focus on conflict, teach you how to fight fair, and fighting fair is rubbish, ok, it's like, it's irrelevant, it's, you know, it's, so, you know and we don't look at what's going on underneath, which is lack of emotional connection”

“The overwhelming thing is people do not have affairs because of sexuality or sexual frustration. They have affairs because they're emotionally disconnected and alone.”

“People think, people say things like, time will heal. It will not. Your brain holds onto it. It's significant survival information. When you need it, your partner wasn't there. They're no longer safe. You can't count on them. Your brain will hold onto that.”

“The trouble is with communication skills that you can't, all the evidence, all the research says you can't use them when you need them. I mean, I'm pretty good at all this stuff, but when I'm having a fight with my partner, I don't use all my skills. It's my a…”

“No, relationships are an alive organism. They're a living relational system. And, you know, there's a certain point where, no, you can't breathe life into it.”

“Emotional isolation is traumatizing for human beings. You're not wired for it. It's a danger cue for your nervous system.”

“When we feel rejected and abandoned by the person we most depend on, There's a special pathway in our emotional brain, and it's reserved for attachment panic”

“The people who have, report having the best sex, have it most often, are most satisfied with it, and find it most thrilling, are people in a long-term, stable, connected, exclusive relationship.”

“We can love more than one person, but in terms of who you turn to when you really need, in terms of where you take your vulnerability, it's usually hierarchical. We have our special one.”

“No, relationships are an alive organism. They're a living relational system. And, you know, there's a certain point where, no, you can't breathe life into it.”

“A tricky trap to get into by always putting your children first, and always, your children, the best thing you can give your children is parents who know how to support each other, and stand together, and help each other. Not only that, but you give your child…”

“Your people think that conflict is the issue in distressed relationships. Conflict is the virus. The inflammation is emotional disconnection, that you can't connect with this person, you can't get this person to respond to you, this person isn't responding to …”

“The people who have, report having the best sex, have it most often, are most satisfied with it, and find it most thrilling, are people in a long-term, stable, connected, exclusive relationship.”

“For most people, most of the time, you know, serial monogamy seems to be the most natural way that it works because It's all about, it's not just about sex, it's about attachment. And attachment tends to be hierarchical.”

“You know, people say, oh, relationships are based on being this, being not too many differences. I say, are you joking? Everyone's basically incompatible.”

“We have one discipline called sex therapy, and another discipline called relationship couple therapy. How ridiculous is that? I mean, that's ridiculous, ok? And what I'm talking about is actually attachment science helps us understand sex and relationships, an…”

“Basically this lady did this research and said, we are the least touching culture anywhere on this planet in North America. We don't touch each other.”

“The best thing you can give your children is parents who know how to support each other and stand together and help each other. Not only that, but you give your children even something more valuable by doing that. You give your children a vision of what a good…”

“Often their sexual relationship goes straight downhill, and we can make all kinds of funny meanings about that, but the bottom line is, your sexuality shuts down when you're sleep deprived.”

“You are not wired to deal with threat and to be turned on at the same time, by the way.”

“You can't have a cognitive conversation and heal them. They don't heal.”

“Oh, empty nest is a really interesting one, and the divorce rates have gone up with, for that group, and it's interesting because the divorce is usually initiated by the woman, it seems.”

“So, I think people who've experienced safe connection with a parent have a big advantage, and research says that they're more likely to have friends in high school, they're more likely to have better, be better friends themselves, and they're more likely to be…”

“Research says that they're more likely to have friends in high school, they're more likely to have better, be better friends themselves, and they're more likely to be empathic With any person they're dating, right, they're more likely to find happy dating rela…”

“What you really need to is listen to yourself, and listen to when you feel safe. And when dancing with someone is easy. It makes you feel good. And when you can be vulnerable for a moment, and that person tunes in and cares about your vulnerability that's the …”

“People who have close relationships are more able to tune, attune in that way. They tune into the relational drama that's going on in a relationship. Other people do what I was doing. They're in their head predicting stuff,”

“Yes, it's in, in, in distressed relationships, the most common pattern we see is one person is demanding and getting angry and criticizing, and the other person is defending and distancing.”

“What they don't understand is that in an intimate relationship, if I cut off emotionally and I shut down, I shut you out. And if I shut you out, and you're a bonding mammal and not a lizard, and you care about me, I trigger danger cues and fear in your brain. …”

“Men, husbands always think they're going to problem solve and solve all their wife's problems. They don't understand that usually their wife's looking for just them. They're the answer to her problem. She just wants their emotional presence.”

“The bottom line is, your sexuality shuts down when you're sleep deprived.”

“You are not wired to deal with threat and to be turned on at the same time, by the way.”

“You can't have a cognitive conversation and heal them. They don't heal.”

“People are afraid to speak secrets, but they don't see the toxicity that comes from keeping them, and how they're between them and their partner.”

“There was one study that looked to predictors of success in EFT. And everyone I know, if you asked every couple therapist, including some researchers, what's the best predictor of where couples are at the end of couple therapy, they tell you how distressed the…”

“And the divorce rates have gone up with, for that group. And it's interesting because the divorce is usually initiated by the woman, it seems.”

“I don't think it's what you talk to them about that matters. I think what you show them is what you show, how you treat them. And what you show them with your partner, that's what impacts kids. You can talk to them for hours. It doesn't matter.”

“It's not a good idea to have huge conflicts all the time in front of your kids. Indeed, the research is that's not good for them. It freaks them out. But, you know, I feel like there's something very healthy about my kids have seen me and my husband really dis…”

“So, I think people who've experienced safe connection with a parent have a big advantage, and research says that they're more likely to have friends in high school, they're more likely to have better, be better friends themselves, and they're more likely to be…”