Sheila Heen
19 statements across 1 episodes · 3 bullish · 0 bearish · 1 people on the record · first statement May 15, 2019 by Sheila Heen · across every show →
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Everything said about Sheila Heen, oldest first
May 15, 2019 neutral
Heen: The Optimal Positive-to-Negative Interaction Ratio in Relationships Is 5:1
“The optimum is, what is it, five to one? Five to one, positive interactions to negative interactions, and it's not better to have a bigger ratio of positive and negative, like 10 to one is not better because of what you're describing. If it's 10 positive inter…”
May 15, 2019
May 15, 2019
Heen: Difficult conversations are driven by perceived threats to personal identity
“If a conversation feels difficult, there's often something about identity, something the situation suggests about you that raises the stakes on the whole conversation. And so that's part of the anxiety that then drives the intensity of the feelings.”
May 15, 2019 neutral
May 15, 2019
May 15, 2019
May 15, 2019 neutral
May 15, 2019
Heen: Asking questions to understand counterparty interests is essential for effective negotiation
“You're trying to teach them what we would call second position skills. Can you step into someone else's shoes and imagine what the world looks like to them and what they care about and what their priorities are? And not that you're supposed to guess accurately…”
May 15, 2019
Heen: In negotiation, counterparties' core interests are fundamentally feelings
“So when we teach negotiators, it's like interests are feelings. What people care about, what people worry about, if we're going to get this deal done, you've got to respond to what people worry about, care about, can get excited about, can get on board with, h…”
May 15, 2019 positive
May 15, 2019 positive
Heen: Naming emotions resolves meeting gridlock faster than rational debate
“I don't think it's usually good advice to be emotional, but I do think it's usually good advice to, if there is emotion involved, if you can name it and put it on the table, you can do it in a super professional way. I mean, if we're having an argument and goi…”
May 15, 2019
May 15, 2019
Heen: Responding with extreme calmness in conflict can escalate the other person's upset
“There's a funny contribution system sometimes that happens in some relationships where the more upset someone becomes, the more calm the other person gets because their coping strategy in the face of upset is calmness. So, and the more calm they get, the more …”
May 15, 2019
Heen: Difficult conversations require negotiating internal self-talk before speaking
“So you have to actually shift your internal voice, meaning that's what you're thinking and feeling in the conversation. You have to shift it first so that your first negotiation is really with yourself. To move from being focused on what I'm right about to bei…”
May 15, 2019
Heen: Childhood Dynamics Create an Individual's 'Emotional Footprint'
“One of the things we talk about in the book is this idea that we each have an emotional footprint. And the idea behind that is that we all grow up learning which feelings are okay to talk about, and which you learn quickly are better left alone.”
May 15, 2019
May 15, 2019 positive
Heen: Difficult conversations are more fruitful when aimed at understanding, not persuasion
“If I shift my purpose in the conversation from getting them to change, or getting them to apologize, see that I'm right, whatever, to Just understanding better what's going on. Like, why is it that we have such a hard time with this? That conversation is much …”
May 15, 2019
Heen: Difficult conversations become contagious once unspoken disagreement is surfaced
“As soon as I put something on the table that you didn't foresee or expect, and you realize how much disagreement there is, or how frustrated I am with you that I haven't told you all these years or whatever, then it becomes a little more difficult for the othe…”
May 15, 2019
Heen: The identity traits people value most dictate their hardest conversations
“Whatever those sort of characteristics that you hold most tightly are, they are sometimes also a key to the kinds of conversations that are hardest for you. Because you let yourself down and you're disappointed in yourself.”