The Ledger, every show

“If you love research, if you love data, if you love information, you may spend a month gathering the information external to the conversation that you could have gotten In five to 10 minutes.”

“Your pitch and gain, it's a very low percentage success rate. You're successful, just not anywhere near as successful as you could be by first deactivating the negatives, recognizing the elephants in a room.”

“The worst thing you can do to somebody, no matter how wrong they are, is embarrass them, especially in front of other people.”

“If I'm really focused on what emotions are driving you, there's an instant compartmentalization that takes place where my negativity is no longer going to get in my way. I mean, just, in, in genuine curiosity is a hack for emotional control.”

“If you think of, and the world breaks up in a, pretty much evenly into thirds. It's from our caveman days. It's fight, flight, make friends, response to threat. We either fight it, we run from it, or we make friends with it. And the world really does pretty ev…”

“If you, if you're, if you believe you have to have a BATNA to negotiate, Then you've immediately taken yourself hostage, and you're done. You say, oh my god, the other side has all the leverage and the power. I've got no legitimate BATNA. You know, we're hosta…”

“In, in practice, that interferes with collaboration if you anchor high. It's basically a, it's starting out by not telling a truth it's defining it as a win-lose scenario And it's also taken, it's taken a risk of leaving a tremendous amount of money on the tab…”

“You've got to get rid of the negative before you can go to the positive. Sometimes the negative getting rid of it will be so powerful that you don't even have to pitch the positive because the other side's going to go ahead and pitch it for you.”

“People aren't afraid to fail. They're afraid to fail in a new way. So you never get fired for hiring IBM is like, if we hire IBM and we fail, it's already been demonstrated to be a socially acceptable outcome.”

“And so deference is this great tool for 360 degrees of influence. If someone is, perceives themselves to be superior to you, and you're deferential to them, they love it because they think that they, they're entitled to it, so it makes them very happy. If you'…”

“So the labels across the board probably raises everybody's effectiveness no less than 30 to 33%.”

“There's nothing wrong with having a tiger by the tail, as long as you know you got a tiger by the tail.”

“Now, the other thing that you'll, you'll do frequently is hijack to relate and it's called story stealing and you won't mean to do it. But the other person will say something that triggers this incredible memory in you of a past experience, something that happ…”

“Demonstrating understanding, not understanding, but demonstrated understanding in a way that the other side feels heard and draws them into telling you more, removes you as a threat. First move in a negotiation is to remove yourself as a threat, because why wo…”

“Hostage negotiators have repeat customers. So I might not see you again, but if I get you out alive, another negotiator is going to, which means if I lied to you, if I deceived you, if I didn't take the time to understand you, that's going to be your experienc…”

“And about half of the deals are made on the spot once the other side feels completely heard.”

“What people really don't understand is how important trust is, and trust is based on your, how predictable you are. Take out the word trust to put in the word predictability. You all automatically become more trustworthy because you're predictable.”

“The Lance Armstrong interview, he wasn't caught off guard by those questions. That was the negotiation between him and her in advance as to whether or not he was going to get on camera and what she was going to ask him. You don't see anything in the media abou…”

“People don't remember things, how they happened. They remember, and they don't remember how it started. They remember the most intense moment and how it ended. The last impression is the lasting impression.”

“What would you want to deny walking in? That's your gut instinct telling you a negative is there. And you make the shift from a denial to the straight observation. Look, I'm probably going to seem greedy. I'm probably just going to seem like another slimy sale…”

“Neuroscience wise, what difference does it make to make somebody feel hurt? I will trigger the release in you of your neurochemicals, oxytocin and serotonin. If you get a hit of oxytocin, In interacting with me, you're going to bond with me, and you're going t…”

“Once I've killed you on price, you are not going to forget that, and you are not going to lift a finger to help me ever again.”

“And what a lot of parents want to do is just order kids around. Like, go to bed because I'm dad. I'm, why? Because I said so. I'm because I'm the father. That's why. Well, that's not really helping them think. It's demonstrating to them that the only way you c…”

“It seems like it's a waste of time and it ends up being a relationship accelerator, which then is a deal-making accelerator.”

“Empathy was originally designed to not be sympathy. It's been contorted, convoluted into usage. These days people say if you have empathy, that means you sympathize, you have compassion. Empathy is just observing the other person's Emotions. And where it's you…”

“Without question communication, emotional intelligence is an unlimited skill and a perishable skill. So if you haven't built it. You know, it's like going to the gym. You're not going to be in shape unless you go to the gym. Stop going to the gym. You start sl…”

“I have to say something that's really close to what the voice in your head is saying at the moment, because otherwise the voice in your head is going to distract you. So as soon as I start lining up with a voice in your head, you don't listen to that. You star…”

“It has shown consistently that calling out negatives, not denying them, calling them out, diffuses them.”

“The manipulative negotiators learn that using that phrase will cause you, probably cause you to compromise your position because inside you'd be like, I don't want to be unfair.”

“Even if you're great at lying, it's exhaustive. And if I talk to you long enough, you're going to say something contradictory and I'm going to figure it out. So even if I'm good at it, you're going to catch me ultimately. And then the relationship is destroyed…”

“When I find out that you deceived me by omission, I'm probably not going to be angry with you, but I'll never trust you again.”

“So I know if you, if they ask five questions, Then it was a lousy operator, not the machine. And so the operators vary so wildly. That's why it's generally not admissible in court.”

“They're, they have been nurtured into assertion, but then when they, if they can blend assertion with the soft skills, then suddenly they're superstars.”

“People are conditioned that if they say yes, they're letting themselves in for something that they don't want. There's a hidden trap. So even if it's something they should say yes to, they won't do it or they're just, they do it painfully because they're, they…”

“Summarize to how they see things until they say that's right. Because there's the underlying assumption of that is that your perception of reality is accurate. So while it may be accurate, it's always incomplete. There's no such thing as perfect information.”

“I know that that's an aspect of being an assertive. We don't feel heard. We want to say it again more loudly.”

“Getting what you want is secondary for each type, not primary. What the assertive really wants is respect and to know they've been heard. If you treat an assertive with respect and you show them that they've been heard, they're going to come significantly in y…”

“Cause conflict is just one outcome. They see conflict is highly inefficient and it's a, it's an inefficient choice. And there are many other choices. So they just avoid conflict. There are also some people refer to them as avoiders. I think that's an inaccurat…”

“Accommodators. What do they want? Relationship oriented, hope oriented, positivity oriented. What they really want is for us to have a great interaction.”

“Analysts love to think they love silence. And in silence with you, they will start to bond with you. Shared silence is a bonding experience. Because you're being quiet because you obviously like to think. And you respect that they like to think.”

“Now, accommodator, relationship oriented. The silent treatment is the meanest thing they could do. It signals fury to go silent.”

“Like if I can get myself three seconds of space, then that's enough time to gather myself up. I get triggered. If I don't give myself that three seconds, and I start going down a rabbit hole, I lose control too.”

“Hostage negotiators have roughly a 93, 94% success rate.”

“You're 31% smarter in a positive frame of mind.”

“So there's only, there's two, there's only two possibilities why talking to you doesn't do them any good, and it's usually a combination of both. You're not listening, or at least they feel you're not listening, because all you're doing is giving advice, makin…”

“That immediately tells your employer, you're a team player. You're not grabbing on your own behalf. And not only you're a team player, you want to play in a championship. So even if you don't get into the championship, they know you want to be there and they n…”

“Now what you've just done with that question is recruited an unofficial mentor. Cause they're gonna watch to see if you do what they told you to do. To see if you take instruction. First critical issue. Do you know how to do what you're told? Secondly, they no…”

“Almost everything, why is almost everything in negotiation? You're negotiating for people's time. That's a commodity. Time is always a commodity involved. Even if it's a cash transaction, there's time is involved. Money's not always involved. And most people t…”