Insight
Dethmer: Internal relational repair does not require the other person's cooperation
“There are two dimensions to repairing that relationship. One is literally repairing it with the other person, but there's a repair that can occur that doesn't require or even need to involve the other person. That's incredibly important because I don't need th…”
Assertion Not checkable as stated
Dethmer: Average teams keep only 30% to 40% of mutual agreements
“When people in teams get aligned to be impeccable with agreements, they start keeping about 90% of their agreements. Now, when you go in and you look at a relationship or a team that's working together and you say, What percentage of agreements do you guys kee…”
Disclosure
Dethmer: Refuses to coach leaders without a mindfulness practice
“So all the leaders that I work with, I don't work with anybody who won't have some sort of mindfulness practice.”
Insight
Dethmer: Control, approval, and survival drive all ego structures
“Control and approval and survival, the three core wants of any ego structure.”
Insight
Dethmer: Reactivity manifests in somatic bodily signatures before thoughts or emotions
“It shows up first in your body. You'll know in your body, there'll be certain somatic signatures, and then it shows up in your thinking structures, and it shows up in your emotional state.”
Insight
Dethmer: Responding to reactivity with self-criticism deepens emotional contraction
“When you're already contracted, curtness comes from contraction as opposed to openness, and then you pile on With self-criticism or self-judgment, you actually contract further.”
Insight
Dethmer: Relying solely on extrinsic motivation creates escalating demands and zero-sum behavior
“If you're motivating your team solely by extrinsic reward, one of the things you know is you've got to keep increasing the capacity to keep feeding the consciousness that you've created. And it also creates people playing a zero sum game, which creates tremend…”
Insight
Dethmer: Intrinsic rewards are the baseline motivation tier without toxic residue
“So these are intrinsic rewards, and they actually are the first level of motivation that doesn't leave a toxic residue.”
Assertion Not checkable as stated
Dethmer: Employees only keep 40% to 60% of their workplace agreements
“And when we first started working with leaders years ago, we did a little bit of measurement around this, and we saw that most people in organizations keep somewhere between 40 and 60% of their agreements.”
Insight
Dethmer: Relational drama stems from unaligned commitments or broken agreements
“All drama in relationships, personal or professional, is caused by unaligned commitments. That's that word commitment. We're not headed in the same direction or unclear and unkept agreements.”
Insight
Dethmer: Resisting reality consumes massive amounts of energy
“It takes an unbelievable amount of energy to resist reality.”
Insight
Dethmer: Statements starting with 'I feel' followed by thoughts are not feelings
“Anytime I feel isn't followed by an emotional state, like the five we use, sad, angry, scared, joy, or creative energy. If it's feeling, if it's followed by a thought, it's not a feeling.”
Insight
Dethmer: Emotions naturally dissipate from the body within 90 seconds
“And research, I first read this from Joe Bolte Taylor in Stroke of Insight. Great Ted talk. And then the follow on book, the Harvard brain researcher who said that feelings last less than 90 seconds. And that's true. In my experience, they actually often less …”
Insight
Dethmer: Empathy for Others Is Strictly Limited by Self-Empathy
“I can only be as empathic or compassionate with another as I can be with myself.”
Insight
Dethmer: Ego-driven investor conviction forces analysts to suppress contrary evidence
“So many times in the investment world, we want people to have conviction, but so much of this conviction is occurring at an egoic state from below the line. Now, what I mean by that is in order to get the PM to believe that my research is viable and to pull th…”
Insight
Dethmer: Transformational learners ask how feedback is true, not if it is
“When they get feedback, they do not ask the question, is it true? They ask the question, how is it true?”
Insight
Dethmer: Suppressing emotions causes exhaustion like holding beach balls underwater
“Here's what I didn't know, is the amount of energy it takes to repress and suppress emotion. I tell people now, it's like your emotions are like a beach ball, you know, and you take them and, ah, you try to hold them under the water, And the more inflated the …”
Insight
Dethmer: Self-awareness and locating internal state is foundational to conscious leadership
“The first key skill of conscious leaders is self-awareness that leads the pack. And the first act of self-awareness is, can I locate myself in this now moment? Am I open or closed? Am I in a state of trust or a state of threat?”
Insight
Dethmer: Leaders develop self-awareness through reflection, psychometrics, and feedback
“There are three ways you can grow in self-awareness. One is to become more self-reflective... The other way to grow in self-awareness is to use some instrument... And the third way to grow in self-awareness is to create an incredibly feedback rich environment …”
Insight
Dethmer: Low Trust and Withholding Candor Create Slow, Sludge-Filled Decisions
“What we find is that when trust is low in relationships, teams, and organizations, people start withholding. And when people withhold decisions become far less effective and they get muddied up, we call them sludge. And so they get slower and wrong decisions g…”
Insight
Dethmer: Valid agreements must specify who does what by when
“Every agreement needs to have a who is going to do what by when. And agreements that don't have a who and a what and a when are sloppy.”
Assertion Partly supported
Center for Creative Leadership ranks self-awareness among top four core competencies
“The Center for Creative Leadership, when they first brought out their 67 core competencies, self-awareness, along with learning agility and communication and influences, We're the top four competencies that trumped all others.”
