The Exchanges

Q If we were gonna get really tactical with it, and somebody wanted to hone their desire plus their courage, what would you tell somebody listening right now? How do you, how do you get more courage, and how do you listen to that little voice inside of your head more often?

A This is not a Navalism, but I, I know people who swear by this, which is just like a morning brain dump on paper. Um, the process of externalizing these thoughts, um, somehow helps you evaluate them and it forces you to be honest. And so if you see what sounds like absolute certain reality in your head of like, I have to be this or become this or get this, or I will never be happy. As soon as you write it down, you're like, that's stupid. But if you just live with it in your head the whole time, you're like, you could feel your body responding to it. Um, and that, that practice of externalizing it just helps you observe it, uh, ration rationally. And it's, it's a, it's a shortcut to doing that. Meditation is the same way. It helps you separate sort of, um, the evaluator, like the observed from the observant, like see your own thoughts from above, but writing it is, is a shortcut to doing it. And that's, Um, a helpful method. And, and by the same token, like doing that over time, like you can only write, I hate this job. I want to quit so many times before you're like, Oh my God. You know, you will respond to observing that over time. Um, you know, whatever it is, like if you stay present with it, uh, the courage I think will eventually sort of culminate and you will manifest that in some ways.

AI assessment note: “which is just like a morning brain dump on paper”

Q So good. This is kind of controversial, but do you think that you make more money when you dress better and you're hotter?

A Ooh, ok, yes to an extent. So, uh, we've actually found when you're a woman and you're selling to another woman, you should underdress a little bit. When you're selling to a man, you should overdress a little bit. So it is a little bit different, and I'm not saying you have to, like, put your makeup on, take it off, put your makeup on, take it off on your sales calls, but it's like, it is knowing that the core rule is, like, never outshine the master. So if you're talking to somebody and you're trying to say how amazing you are, you're Beautiful. It's like, that's very intimidating for someone, and if being intimidating is not gonna allow them to open up and to feel safe with you, then it's gonna hurt you. So it is a fine line to toe where it's like, look confident, because confidence comes out in your conviction, which comes out in the energy that you bring into a conversation, and your energy is your currency. So look confident, but you don't have to kick yourself up every single time you take a sales call. Serious, I have so many girls that, they look perfect, and they're like, why aren't people opening up to me? And I'm like, You are too perfect. People love to talk to someone that, uh, one little trick I teach my sales girls too is to say something a little self-deprecating in the beginning just to show that you're human, you know, or to like wipe your camera a little bit …

AI assessment note: “yes to an extent. So, uh, we've actually found when you're a woman”

Q What does that sound like? What is a sincere close?

A So a sincere close is taking the yes or no off of the product and putting it to yourself. So you're making the sale personal. You're saying it's not about this anymore. It's about I want your business so bad because I know what's on the other side. I know what we can do. I know you're going to buy this at some point in the future. Maybe it's with the next person that hits you up about whatever it is that you're selling. I want that person to be me. I've seen what it looks like with other competitors, with us, and I want to be the person that shows you XYZ transformation. Would you please give me a shot to Get you in the door to show you, and then I'll earn your business for life. So it's like you just put the sale back on you, but the key with this is you have to earn the right to do so. You can't just sincere close someone that you just met that you don't have a connection with. This is why building rapport is so important throughout the sale. Um, and then the question is how do you build rapport with someone, right? Um, bad rapport looks like Oh my gosh, you're from Florida. My cousin went to FSU. That's so funny. Oh my gosh, I love your hair. People hate when you're fake. And so before the sales process comes about, don't say any of that stuff because they know that you're only saying that because you want to get a commission. And so it just further increases their sales res…

AI assessment note: “a sincere close is taking the yes or no off of the product”

Q Ah, so good. What about, um, What about, like, how many reps do you feel like you need to take to get really good at sales?

A Mmm, okay, so it depends on if you're doing cold leads or warm leads, but I feel like the rule of a hundred stands true. I forget what book it was that I read, but it was like, if you do something a hundred times for a hundred days, you become an expert, and it's true. Like, if you just get your reps in, it will work, and so everybody thinks that you need the skill in order to be good. It's no, you need the quantity before you get the skill. You get the skill through just doing it. Like, you don't, What's the phrase? It's like, you don't learn how to swim by reading about water. You just have to throw yourself into it, and you learn what you like to say, what you don't like to say, what feels weird and icky, versus what really hits with your clients coming out of your mouth. Like, you just learn your own selling style through actually doing it, but that's the band-aid that you have to rip off.

AI assessment note: “I feel like the rule of a hundred stands true.”

Q and I'd be curious what you think, like, no, you know, this person's hard to manage, they're a diva, they're a high performer, but it's not worth it, and you kind of hear like, well, if they're toxic, get them out, you know, if they're a cancer or whatever, and that's kind of true, but it also seems like a lot of high performers are divas. What do you think?

A Yeah, and then there's that line, right? And so, uh, you know, our company went through several difficult phases, and many of those difficult phases had to do with Very successful, very toxic personalities, and every time we ultimately made the decision to get rid of those toxic personalities, we got better. Now there was always a period of, of insecurity where we were concerned, like, oh my God, we're gonna lose all these clients. Oh my God, this could be terrible. But then you would take a step back and then a bigger step forward. Because ultimately the culture of your organization, when you do something that says, I care about the culture of the organization more than the short term money, you reinforce your values and the people around you feel they can thrive. And that is really, really important. So, you know, getting rid of toxic person, my toxic personality included, and some of my colleagues say, what do you mean? You never got rid of your toxic personality, but understanding That, you know, what's an appropriate limit and being mindful of other people and their experience is really, really important in an organization. If you want to build a great culture, and I think at our company, we have an incredible culture.

AI assessment note: “every time we ultimately made the decision to get rid of those toxic personalities, we got better.”

Q So every time you complain, do you catch yourself and then say, all right, um, but what are we gonna do about it?

A Yeah, I think one question that I like to ask myself is, am I reinforcing my current reality or creating a new one? Because we're always doing one or the other, and when you think of it from the neuroscience standpoint, right, like, with every thought, with every action, with every behavior, we are either, we are either activating the same old pathways we've always activated in our brain, or we're activating new pathways in our brains, and when we activate new pathways, now we're changing our brain, and our brain is what constructs our entire experience of reality, and yeah, I mean, there's been times when I'm standing in the kitchen, And I'm either stressed or being negative or complaining, and I, I have a vivid memory of the first time I ever used this on myself, and I was walking to the kitchen, and I was like, wait, Em, are you reinforcing, you're reinforcing your current reality right now, and I was like, damn it, ok, I need, ok, like, what do I want to do? And sometimes it is just kind of changing my train of thought, because there's nothing that I can really do, and a lot of times we're just thinking negatively, and not every feeling Has a deep meaning. Like not every feeling has a deep meaning. Sometimes we're just tired, stressed, or hungry.

AI assessment note: “Yeah, I think one question that I like to ask myself is”

Q And loving kindness meditation is basically where you meditate and you sort of meditate with this vision of loving yourself and, um, loving other people, like as you walk past them and like you can do it live. I remember like, uh, Tim Ferriss, um, a friend of mine explaining to me that like that changed his life when he did it. Is that right?

A Yeah, so it's a practice of, you sit down and you imagine someone that you love, you start with someone that you love, that's the easiest, and you think, you know, may you be happy, may you be healthy, like, sending basically, yeah, like, good vibes to them, and love, and joy, and health to them, and then you bring up strangers, and then you, you send that to kind of, or acquaintances, right, acquaintances, and then you actually bring up somebody that you're not on good terms with, and you do it with that person as well, and that one, you know, that's why you gradually get tougher, Um, but it's, it's a wonderful practice, and it's really beautiful, and when I do it, it brings tears to my eyes because of the love it activates, but I actually have kind of a fun little practice that I do. I actually will imagine myself sending beams of love through my eyes at random strangers, so I'll just be standing in the gym and like, you know, if I'm like stretching or whatever, I'll just look around at random people and just like send beams of love at them, um, and It never fails to bring tears to my eyes. Like, it always makes me.

AI assessment note: “Yeah, so it's a practice of, you sit down and you imagine someone that you love”

Q And, um, and you're growing like crazy. You have incredible engagement. You take complex topics really simply. And I was wondering how much of your content do you use like neuroscience and how we think about things into even the way that you communicate?

A Not at all. Really? Not at all, surprisingly, and I have people, they've asked me like, oh, is there a reason that you do, you move this way, and you, I'm like, no. I'm, I am, um, you know, like I said throughout this episode, like, I, I was diagnosed with ADHD in high school, and so the way that I share content is very much how I would want to hear it, uh, and that's just, I make it for me, and I, I, like, my assistant, my full-time assistant is my best friend since high school, And she loves my content too, and so if I have an idea or something cool that I learn, I will literally call her up and tell her about it, and the way that I tell her is the way that I make the video, because if I can make her understand it and keep her engaged, then I know it will work for the audience, and so for me, it's, yeah, I don't, I've been, I've been kind of, people have asked, like, oh, are you using, like, psychological? None of it at all. It's, it's really just Whatever I'm excited and lit up about, and I found that the content that does best is the content that I'm the most excited about. It's whenever I'm energized behind an idea, those are the ideas that do great. Like, the extreme one, the one about the neuroscience, why it need to be extreme, like, I had just done a whole coaching call on that, and I got off the call and I was like, I didn't make a video about this, didn't even really…

AI assessment note: “Not at all. Really? Not at all, surprisingly”

Q workout more. You know, if you want to make more money, you could maybe work a little bit harder, increase your skill stack. Like, it's not that complicated in many ways. It may be hard, but it's, like, kind of simple. What do you think is the biggest reason why? Or, like, what is the biggest lie we tell ourselves that stops us from achieving the life that we want?

A Yeah. There is a big lie, and that is that suffering is bad. That's the big lie. People are trying to eliminate and avoid suffering. It's what it comes down to. And only when you understand that suffering is your teacher and suffering is sacred. Now they could be dysregulated. But, but the truth of the matter is that there's a very interesting math about this that the, that the, that the Zen Buddhists like to use in Japan. Suffering equals your pain multiplied by the resistance to the pain. Pain multiplied by resistance. Now think about the, when we think back to our high school math, suffering is gonna go up when pain goes up, or when resistance to it goes up. You can make your suffering go down by trying to get rid of your pain, but it's much better if you get rid of your resistance. That's a really important concept because, you know, when you're starting to open a business or you're going to college or your relationship is struggling, you know, you, you can try to avoid the pain somehow by working less and by sleeping in and by avoiding your partner. That's, that's pain avoidance. Or you can lower your resistance by trying to understand it, to engage it, to learn from it and grow from it. That's what it comes down to. The number one lie that holds people back Is an unwillingness to suffer because of a misunderstanding of the nature of suffering. That's a super important thi…

AI assessment note: “There is a big lie, and that is that suffering is bad.”

Q talking a lot about marriage lately, and I think it's for the same reason. I'm increasingly realizing, you know, in business and life, none of it matters if you don't have somebody to love, and marriage is such a beautiful challenge that I feel very privileged to be trying to live through, not solve for. Um, so what is the secret that you found to a happy relationship or marriage?

A Yeah, it's a, they, There's sort of two levels to that. The earthly level is deep friendship. The secret to a happy marriage is, is deep friendship. And, and that's one of the reasons that you find that there's sort of psychologists talk about, um, romantic love in two phases, passionate and companionate. And companionate love is the goal after three to five years in a relationship, which is like, I told that to one of my kids and he's like, dad, that's not hot. It's like, I got a companionate love. So I was like, you know, like grandma and grandpa sitting on the porch in their, in their rocking chairs, you know, and which by the way, isn't half bad.

AI assessment note: “The secret to a happy marriage is, is deep friendship.”

Q Do people ever push back on your research, and they're like, You must have never been any, through anything very hard because how could you say I couldn't have PTSD instead of having, you know, PTGD? Um, do you get that kind of pushback?

A I'm not, I'm not saying that. I would never say to somebody that they're not in pain. All pain is real. All pain is real. Um, the pushback I oftentimes hear is that are you telling people to lie to themselves? Are you, are we, are you telling me that I should gaslight myself and make up a different Truth, because you're saying that beliefs are just tools. I can make up whatever I want. And my response is, guess what? You're already gaslighting yourself. You are already lying to yourself. You're just lying to yourself with a limiting belief. So you could choose a different belief. Now, the whole point here, what is a limiting belief? What is a liberating belief? A limiting belief is a belief that saps motivation or causes suffering. A liberating belief is a belief that supplies motivation or eases suffering. And that's a choice. That's a choice. Even when it sounds crazy. So I never tell people to change their beliefs. I tell people to try on different beliefs. So what you're doing is, just like you try on a pair of glasses, and you say, ah, it doesn't fit my face, I don't like it, this is weird. Ok, let's try on a different pair of glasses. You're already ruining those glasses. That keyhole of attention, those 50 bits of information, that's already there. You just didn't choose it. Your society chose it. Your background chose it. Your history chose it. All these other things ch…

AI assessment note: “the pushback I oftentimes hear is that are you telling people to lie to themselves?”

Q Is that a good question to ask? Should somebody ask somebody?

A Probably not. Like, I don't think you should use, it's a very heavy sounding ask, you know. I think, and, and so, um, I'll give you, I'll give, I'll give your listeners a cheek. I still hope they buy the book, but I'll give them, like, my first thing on mentors is, um, take the Take the, people overshoot. They try and go too high. Like, and so take all, I think it's awesome to identify the people in the field you're gonna go after that you hold in highest regard and respect the most. Call those your aspirational mentors. Create a file, you know, in whatever digital folder type thing you like to use, Notion or, or Google Docs or whatever. Create a file for each one of them. And study them relentlessly. Find every podcast they've been on, find every YouTube, any interview you can find, anything they've written, put it in the file. Like, keep, keep it like a, like a little journal of yours for each one of them. One day you may meet them, and the fact that you've done all that work will make you much more likely to be able to engage with them, but you're gonna learn so much along that way. So, so the ones you thought you were gonna cold call, don't do that. Do that, do what I just said. And then For the ones you're going to actually try and meet, just go down a few levels. Like, if you go down a few levels, you're going to be asking someone for advice that's never been asked for ad…

AI assessment note: “Probably not. Like, I don't think you should use, it's a very heavy sounding ask”

Q to lose that, sort of, when we started investing in venture, and I definitely had to lose that when I got on the internet, because it's a, like, I've realized collaboration works a lot more. But I'm curious, you're still a competitive guy. Like, you're a former, you know, basketball player. You're competing in deals. So like, Should you try to crush your competition or should you work with them?

A Well, the, the, the advice in the book, most of it that gets into this topic you're, you're hitting on is in a chapter called embrace your peers. And it's probably my favorite, um, principle in the book. Um, but mainly because I think it's the most unique of all the, of all the points that I, that I make. And, um, I, I've found, I found some amazing stories that, that I share in the book that you can go read, but Like I found that far too often humans, and I'm not talking about companies, like I'm talking about, I'm not saying companies need to have friends, but like they probably do, but, um, humans when they're out trying to climb up the ladder, um, would do themselves a massive advantage if they would embrace a group of peers. So finding five to 10 other people who are climbing the same ladder you are and, um, share, collaborate, Um, and support one another. And the number, you know, the, the, you, you learn faster. Your network is bigger because it's not just your network. It's the group's network. Um, If it's authentic, they will be there for you on the hard days. And that will really matter. Like that will really, really matter. Like in ways it's, it's, if you haven't been through it, it's really hard to say how big a deal that is. Um, and, um, and you'll have fun and you'll sit like one way to know if you're really doing it right. When they win, you're sincerely happy fo…

AI assessment note: “humans... would do themselves a massive advantage if they would embrace a group of peers.”

Q What do you think about, I mean, now you've, you've sold millions of copies, uh, of your first book, and I'm sure you will of this one as well. You've, you know, talked to some of the richest people in the world. You've talked to some of the most successful people in the world. What have you found is the number one lie or untruth we are told about money?

A I don't know if it's, Hold so much as just expected. But there is a very clear expectation that if you wake up in the morning and you feel a little bit empty or diminished or anxious or in pain, that you can tell yourself, if only I had more money, those problems would go away. And I think to some extent, it can be true. Money can give you a comfortable life and solve a lot of your problems. But what you see with a lot of rich people is that once they gain the money, they still had a lot of problems in their life. And that can be such a jarring feeling. Because you told yourself, if only my net worth is X dollars, then I'll be good. And you get there and you're like, wait a minute. My friendship's still not that great. My health is still not great. My marriage is still not that great. I still don't sleep at night, that well at night. I still have all these anxieties. And so, then you kind of lose your sense of hope or you double down. And so, a lot of people are like, once my net worth is a million dollars, I'll be great. And then you get there and you're like, well, I feel the same, so maybe it's two million. And you get there, and you're like, ah, I feel the same. Maybe it's ten million. And you're just constantly chasing the high that you think you're gonna get from it. Money can solve a lot of problems in your life, but this is another area that we just overestimate what it…

AI assessment note: “if only I had more money, those problems would go away”

Q you have, like, spending money to show people how much money you have is the fastest way to have less. And so, you know, even for the person that's listening out there, you know, it's not like, oh, don't worry, stay poor, we don't care. It's really psychologically, if you don't rewire your brain, you actually never will get wealthy. And then simultaneously, You will have a counterproductive result, right?

A I think people should have a lot of ambition to have more money for independence. I think that should be the ultimate goal. It's not that money won't do anything for you, and you should stop chasing it and enjoy being poor. It's not that in the slightest. You should want more, and I want more for that reason. I, I just want to be completely independent, and everybody is talented in their own way, can be happy in their own way, if they have independence. And it's actually very difficult to have to express that talent and express who you are if you are completely beholden to somebody else's goals, metrics, incentives, which most people are. And so that's what, that's what I think the ambition should be. It's not ambition for necessarily for a greater material life or greater social status. It's ambition for independence.

AI assessment note: “I think people should have a lot of ambition to have more money for independence.”

Q How do you protect your mind and your psychology for those horrible financial life events like that?

A I save a lot of money. Am I saving for a new house? No. Am I saving for retirement? Not necessarily. Uh, I'm saving for a world in which Things are going to happen in the broader world and in my life personally that I can't foresee that I am not thinking about today and will have a major impact on my life. And so that's the psychology of it. I think a lot of financial advisors might look at my net worth allocation and say like, what are you preparing for? It's, it's, it's not that conservative, but probably more cash than people would generally recommend. And I think a lot of it is just being an amateur student of history, like all history. Is a constant chain of surprises that nobody saw coming that fundamentally shaped the world, usually in bad ways. And the people who do okay over time are the people who have a conservative enough financial arrangement and mental flexibility to endure those episodes.

AI assessment note: “I save a lot of money... I'm saving for a world in which Things are going to happen”

Q this repetition. So, you know, he was building software, uh, software companies and kind of in some ways you could say the, the initial AI companies, um, back in the nineties. And, uh, and you can see, you can see the rhythms to today. And so it's a really fascinating book if you're into building things. Have you ever made a really reckless money decision, but it actually paid off?

A I wouldn't say it was necessarily reckless, but we bought a house, uh, you know, I don't know, eight years ago or so, and we, we came up with a budget, and here's our budget for the house, and then we're house shopping, and of course, I think a lot of people have this experience. Oh, we found this one, and it's way out of budget, but like, look at that thing. Like, that's fantastic, and it gave me a lot of sleepless nights. The decision to buy it. I'm really going to do this. But we knew our life would be better. It was a better house in a better neighborhood with better schools. And I could check all those boxes. And since I had set an arbitrary limit of what our budget was, it felt reckless. It really did feel reckless. And I should say this was during a period when my career and the economy were not going that well. And so it was like, this feels wrong, but we did it. And looking back at that, it was like, I'm so So glad that we did that. So glad that we did it. To me, that's always been a thing of like, of course you can use money as a tool to live a better life. Too many people get caught up in the frugality movement of like, the best way to do everything is as cheap as you possibly can. Like, no, you can, you can live an awesome life and have a lot of material things that are fantastic that you will have no regrets of later. So that was an area where I'm like, I'm so glad…

AI assessment note: “we bought a house... way out of budget... felt reckless... so glad that we did that”

Q What, like, what do you attribute that to? Like, what, is it parenting or genetic?

A See, I think our parents were like, always just like, if you can believe it, just go do it. Like, we didn't have a, we didn't have any fear growing up of failure. And I think maybe because, you know, we grew up, my dad was a doctor, my mom was an author, she did very well, he did well. Like, we had a nice safety net. So a lot of people don't have that. You know, a lot of people, you know, don't have the luxury of just going for it. But also, I just think from a psychological perspective, our parents are always Instilling confidence in us, and always, you know, encouraging us to, like, really go for what we believe in.

AI assessment note: “See, I think our parents were like, always just like, if you can believe it”

Q Who knows? But I was curious, like, for entrepreneurs or somebody going into a relationship or trying to find their person, like what, what would you fess up with somebody that you were in a relationship with now? What questions would you ask, you know, the person? What would you tell them?

A Well, I think the first thing is, is just being radically honest about what your priorities are. You know, the, the, the hard thing is, especially for someone who didn't feel enough to that is that you kind of tell people what they want to hear. So they'll love you. Right. Versus like what, who you really are and what you're really about. And I think, so I was kind of doomed and I think my romantic partners were doomed because I never felt that I was enough. So in a sense, I was looking for them to tell me that I'm enough or to fill this hole that only I can fill. Right. And so. Maybe I'm not leading with how important my business is or my purpose is because I want to say whatever it takes so that they're going to tell me I'm enough. Once I healed this, Then I was able to, I think, attract a relationship and be really honest about, hey, my kids are my number one priority right now. I spend half my time with them. Next to that, I am on a mission to literally change the world's mental health. Like, I want to raise more money for mental health through enough than anyone in the history of the world. Like, I'm not, like, that's how big of a goal I have. And that's going to require me to go on a bunch of podcasts, to travel the world, to do speaking, to do all these things. And so most of our days are going to be living in a suitcase. And when I'm not in a suitcase, I want to surf. A…

AI assessment note: “just being radically honest about what your priorities are”

Q So do you, I, I saw that the other day. I saw an ad on Instagram, I think I screenshotted it, that was a buy now, pay later for dresses and outfits. Like, do you think that buy now, pay later now is a way that makes most people broke? Like most people should not use buy now, pay later?

A I don't, because here's the thing. If you were to use a, you know, buy now, pay later service, Klarna, afterpay, whatever, and used it perfectly, you could come out unscathed. How many people do you trust to do anything perfectly? I mean, I can't even make microwave mac and cheese properly half the time. I mix, I, you know, mess up a step or something. I just feel like the risk is too large. The reward is not worth it. If you can't afford it on your own, then you can't afford it. You need to be saving up for it. You need to be budgeting for it. And for me, I think that what they don't tell you is that if you do miss a payment, The consequences are very severe, and there are decently high interest rates on those loans, because that's what it is. It's a loan. It's not some fancy payment strategy. It's a loan. In the same way that you would go out and borrow money from a bank and miss a payment, you're gonna have the same problem here.

AI assessment note: “I just feel like the risk is too large. The reward is not worth it.”

Q you know, give you a big hug, you're my favorite. Um, and I think You probably also have a lot of the opposite, which is like, this will never work for me. I'll never be rich. I have no money. Like, what has been your experience? Why do we feel like money is so emotionally burdensome to us, or like some of us might never be able to get it?

A Because in our society, money is a marker of success. And the way people treat me I feel like oftentimes is a mirror of how they feel about their own abilities. And so when people are like, thank you so much for teaching me this thing. It's not that they're necessarily just like happy that I exist. They are happy that they have derived value and now see a light that they're like, I'm going to follow this light. I'm going to make more money. I'm going to become more successful. And they see me as like almost like inspiration, I think, in that like, If I do these things, I too can make this kind of money, and I genuinely believe that if you are implementing the tips that I'm giving out in well-endowed on social media, I will take you from a place where you previously were to somewhere better. Am I guaranteeing you the sun, the moon, and the stars? Not for everyone, but I promise you, you're going to end it better than you started. On the flip side, when people are like, this will never work, they're super defeatist, they're just like, woe is me. I think that is a projection of them feeling like they aren't deserving, or that they've never seen an accurate representation of someone that looks like them succeed. If I'm honest, I think I probably had that mentality for a very long time. Um, prior to probably meeting my mentor at my first job at JP Morgan, um, she was the first rich …

AI assessment note: “Because in our society, money is a marker of success.”

Q Now, do you think you're nicer? Are you softer?

A Hmm. Yeah, I mean, yeah, I would hope so. I, I don't like, yeah, nicer, softer, like those, those aren't negative words, right? Like a lot of people like to act like those are negative words in this business, but I mean, some of the nicest, most softest people are known as some of the, you know, greatest interviews ever, greatest interviewers ever. Like, you know, personally, I like, you know, the Larry Kings of the world, right? Because they just had an intellectual curiosity. I remember one time Larry King told me, God bless the dead, Larry King said, the most important question you can ask in an interview, Charlemagne, Is why? And so that's a simple question, but it does help you to dig, you know, very deep. But then I love the interview style of people like, you know, Barbara Walters as well. You know, it, it might've came off as, you know, intrusive and aggressive, but she knew that she had a job to do. And if that person is sitting in front of you as a, you know, just a, a, a fan of, of culture, You have certain questions you're gonna ask, but you also know that the people watching have questions they want you to ask. So I think it's a combination of both. So nicer, nice isn't a bad intention to approach, you know, an interview with. Like, you can still be nice and still ask the hard-hitting questions.

AI assessment note: “Yeah, I mean, yeah, I would hope so.”

Q So how do you actually do it then? So what would be the process?

A So in the case of somebody who has a goal, but they feel like they don't have the confidence to achieve that goal, I would say, what does feel good right now? What feels good right now? So it may be that You want to achieve this big career accomplishment, but you don't know how to get there, but you know that today you can take that one first step to polish up your resume. And you know that next month you can have the vision of creating a new relationship with somebody that can begin that storyline of, uh, maybe next employer. But you're not trying to reach for the big thing overnight. You're reaching for the thing that feels achievable. I wouldn't want to push somebody beyond their comfort zone because we need to meet ourselves with grace and compassion, and when we're tender to ourselves, and we don't push, push in a way that feels aggressive, we can then start to have these little mini wins, and those mini wins, when we add up those small right actions daily, start to become the big wins.

AI assessment note: “when we add up those small right actions daily, start to become the big wins.”

Q How do you recognize a part in you, either positive or negative, just to start with?

A Well, I think that, you know, think about the beliefs or patterns or behaviors that You feel often either ashamed of, or feel like quite frustrated with, or feel like you have to, uh, manage, right? And, uh, these could be addictive parts. Those are really extreme protectors, or they could be managers. They're just kind of like the, the controller that's around all day, or the, or the bossy one, or the, the parts of us that are extreme, or the parts of us that are, uh, creating chaos, or the parts of us that feel like we Become so blended with. We're like, something came over me. A part of me took over. I had a profound conversation with my son yesterday, because these little people are developing their parts in real time. And he acts like a complete bully when he's around little, smaller kids or kids that are more vulnerable. And he starts acting out and being really bossy and really rude. And sometimes he'll even like get physical and, and he, you know, takes his toys away. And later, I was like, bro, what's going on? Like, what, what's happening? And I, instead of being like, you can't do that, I used my self-help tools, which I'll teach through this story. So I became curious. That's the first step. I became curious. And I was like, honey, what's happening? Like, what, what, what's happening in those moments? Very neutral. And then I was compassionate. Says, it seems like y…

AI assessment note: “think about the beliefs or patterns or behaviors that You feel often either ashamed of”

Q So good. So instead, so every time, and how do you, how do you do this in, in day to day? We'd be like, all right, I'm really upset. Cody's super annoying. She keeps asking me the same question again. So do you say the term in your head?

A There's a number of ways you can do it. Find something that comes naturally to me to you. What we do find though, is that when we're practicing this technique, when we're teaching people about this simple technique, it feels a little bit odd in the moment because you're feeling the frustration or that really charged emotional state that you have. And then to take a moment and take a step back and say, well, I'm noticing this, or I'm feeling this, or I'm experiencing that feels a little bit robotic. And so we tell them that's the point. You're actually taking yourself out of the state, reengaging your prefrontal cortex, and you simply say, I am noticing, I am feeling, I am experiencing, or you can even describe the physiological state. So something that we find, so going back to this piece of, oh, I'm emotional or I'm stressed, These are two umbrella terms that we find a lot of people will use when they don't have the emotional granularity in the moment to actually describe what it is exactly that they're feeling. So they'll say, I'm stressed, I'm overwhelmed. When we dig deeper, there are so many underlying reasons why they might be feeling that, and often it comes down to one of these four drivers of self-doubt. If someone is feeling overwhelmed because they have too much in terms of their workload, too much on their to-do list, and they don't think they can achieve it, That r…

AI assessment note: “you simply say, I am noticing, I am feeling, I am experiencing”

Q Fascinating. So you ask questions to figure it out. What about, you have a lot of businesses now, and can you tell immediately if somebody is somebody you should partner with or not?

A No, I can't tell immediately. I can get seduced because people put on their best behavior. They're going on a date, right? So I, I look at it this way. If I'm going to evaluate somebody, I have three questions. Same with what you would have in your business or on a date. Can they do the job? If I'm interviewing them in one of my companies, by the time it gets to me, of course they can do the job or I wouldn't be interviewing them, right? Or if you were dating, Can they do the job? If you've been dating them six months, yeah, they can do it. The more important question is, can they do that job well long term? Right? Will they keep doing a great job? Because everyone does a great job in the beginning, right? And what determines that is, are their goals in alignment with the job? Right? So I used to, I remember years ago, we had a woman that worked for us for five years as our personal assistant, and we were traveling the world, and we were pretty, 24 seven, and you become part of our family, right? And we love her, and still do, she's still a close member of our family. She fell in love with another of our employees and had a child, and so she needs to stay put, so we had to replace her, and so we went to the LA, because we were living in California at the time, Southern California, went to the LA Personal Assistance Association. We went through five hires in five months, and non…

AI assessment note: “No, I can't tell immediately. I can get seduced because people put on their best behavior.”

Q Um, I want to hear about it, and I also want to hear about how you prepare for these shows that you do, because I hear you obsessively prepare even to this day for the shows you put on. Is that true?

A That's true. I just, I believe in overloading my brain because I never know what's going to happen, like, because I don't just do a rote talk, right? I've, I, I sometimes I'll prepare everything, and then I go out into the audience, and I feel different things. I see people, I see where they are, and I have to adjust. Also, could you imagine, this will be my, this is my, my 49th year I'm about to begin. So I would be bored out of my brain if I was just doing the exact same thing. I know there's certain things that work and what to do, but I have to be able to adapt to feel alive and do art. And art is something that's different every time. It's not the same. And it's also what challenges me. So I feed my brain everything I can, and then I trust when I step on the stage what'll be necessary is there.

AI assessment note: “That's true. I just, I believe in overloading my brain”

Q So I want to talk about that. So what is your process? To do that.

A Well, I, I read a lot. Um, that's, like, I see myself as, like, a professional reader. That's my job. Um, and, and then, um, I don't leave it there. Like, I read with a pen, and I take notes, and then I transfer those notes. I was, I was, just before this, I was, I just read something for a book I'm writing, and taking that, and I'm transferring it to note cards by hand, and it's, it's, Not quick, and it is not scalable, but that is like the whole point. I think sometimes we look for technological solutions to make things easy, and the whole point is some things are supposed to be hard. You know, it's supposed to be difficult, and it is in the difficult part that you're scratching it into the steel, and then it's there. So, um, I, I do, I take advantage of all sorts of new tools, of course, um, AI being one of them, but My, my research method is as analog and as old school as it can be because I'm trying to actually understand what I'm dealing with.

AI assessment note: “I read with a pen, and I take notes, and then I transfer those notes”

Q there, I'm not gonna be like that. It'll be different when I'm there. But if instead you can really look down the hall and go, like, is, if I had lived that man's life, I would probably be that man. And so, am I sure that that's what I want? If I can look into the future and see, is that the kind of suit that I want to wear?

A Yeah, the system is shaping you every day that you are in it. And you are internalizing its values and its, uh, personality and its identity. And the idea that, like, yeah, that you're gonna go along to get along for 40 years and then be a visionary, rule-breaking leader is extremely unlikely. Like, you, you just followed the rules for 40 years to get this thing that you're now Terrified of losing. You're actually gonna be less courageous, more risk averse than you thought you would be. Like, you're like, if I was in charge, it would be different. And it's like, no, it's gonna be exactly the same because it was shaping you as you were in it.

AI assessment note: “the system is shaping you every day that you are in it”

Q about getting steamrolled. What do you do in a negotiation to start positioning yourself, like, in a power position? Somebody's sitting here and they're like, I don't know, they're trying to get a raise. They're trying to interview for the next big job. They're going to the next level of the game, but they don't know how to get in the power position in a negotiation. What do you do?

A Two things. First thing you just have to remember, the best negotiators, they don't talk, they translate. I see salespeople all the time, employees trying to ask for more raises. They don't know what to do. They don't understand their value, and so they just talk. They talk without saying a lot. The number one negotiators out there, they translate value. They repeat what you say back to them, and they mirror how you feel. You can get whatever you want if it's the other person's idea. And you do that by translating the conversation for somebody. So that's one. The second thing to understand to kind of get the control negotiation is you always throw the first punch. A lot of people want to stand back, right? No, I don't want to push. I don't want to persist. You go into prison, you throw the first punch. So you ask the first question, get them talking. People love hearing themselves talk, especially grown men. They just love the sound of their own voice, and they love hearing themselves talk about themselves to talk themselves into decisions. And so you start top of funnel, use the funnel technique, Big quick, big picture questions, right? So where are you from? What brings you here today? How can I help you? What does winning look like to you? That's another great way and a great question to reframe a stalled negotiation, right? As you mirror them, you say, I totally understand …

AI assessment note: “Two things. First thing you just have to remember, the best negotiators, they don't talk, they translate.”