The Exchanges

Q and use this episode as a means to sort of teach people inner excellence and how they can perform under pressure and also live a life of more meaning. But before we get there, I want to talk about the book. How did the book come about? Let's spend a beat on this for a second, because my understanding is you wrote this book and then almost nobody read it.

A Yeah, that's right. So the book came out in 2009. And, uh, I wrote the book because I wanted to write the best, best book ever on mental toughness. I wanted to use that as a manual for my clients to use that, that I can give them and say, here's how you train your, your mind and your heart. It worked great for that. It wasn't a big seller, but it worked great for that. And interestingly enough, I have on my phone, I, I, I recommend to all my clients that they, they have these reminders, silent reminders that come up with these affirmations every day throughout the day. And one of mine was that I'm a New York Times bestselling author. And it had been 15 years, 16 years, and so, and that hadn't happened, so after a few years, I took it off. The book was, was doing great for what I wrote it for as this manual and, and for other clients to, to get other clients. So that was amazing. But it wasn't a big seller. And then, so, 2018, I got the rights from McGraw-Hill, and then I spent two more years of, of, uh, part-time, maybe 20 hours a week revising it. So that came out in twenty-twenty. The book, I, I thought it was going to be 15% different, but it turned out to be about 85% new stories, and same concepts, but new stories.

AI assessment note: “I wrote the book because I wanted to write the best, best book ever”

Q And then I assume most people found it the way I did. I was watching the NFC playoff game and saw AJ Brown on the sideline reading this book, and then that became the focal point of what everybody was talking about all of a sudden. Where were you? What happened there?

A Yeah, so I was in Dallas, Texas. Um, I was there to write, to do an Interactionals retreat. And, uh, I'm in my hotel room. What was amazing about that week, it was such an intense week for many reasons. So January 12th was that Sunday. My mom died January 16th, and she was 91. She had an amazing life, had a huge impact on my life, and taught me so much. So it was an answer to prayer, because she was suffering. But it was a very somber week, and also kind of a slow week, um, in my life, and, and just, it'd been years of kind of my, both parents died, and my sister died, and Trying to care for them. And things were slow, and business was slow, and I actually didn't pay off my credit cards in January. I had money in investments, but I didn't have any in my checking. And I look up at the skyscraper in downtown Dallas that Sunday afternoon, and, and I had just written a book called The Best Possible Life, How to Live with Deep Contentment, Joy, and Confidence No Matter What. It's a, a much smaller, easier book to read, and on the spiritual life, and kind of a summary of inter-excellence. And so that book had just come out, and I remember looking at the skyscraper that afternoon, and, and the thought came to me was, Jim, would you rather own that skyscraper for whatever hundreds of millions of dollars it's worth, or would you rather have written the book The Best Possible Life? And I…

AI assessment note: “Yeah, so I was in Dallas, Texas. Um, I was there to write”

Q And the emotional part is the self-centeredness?

A What happens with self-centeredness is that I need to be thinking about my life in order to be, just to be safe. I gotta look both ways when I cross the street and feed myself and do all these things. But the problem is, when I think about myself, my subconscious, which is designed to protect me, reminds me of all the potential dangers and all my mistakes. And that, that, um, discomfort causes me to think, one, I want to feel better about myself, and so I would compare myself to others. But then there's always someone that has more, better things. And so then I feel insecure. And so that leads towards fear. This, this thinking about myself leads towards fear.

AI assessment note: “This, this thinking about myself leads towards fear.”

Q 100,000 or more copies of the book, which is just a runaway success by any measure of any book ever. And it's sort of like this dream, right? Like you wrote this book, you went to the desert, you Put your head down, and then nothing happened, and then one day, suddenly, somebody recognized how amazing this work was. Did that feel satisfying to you, or did it feel empty?

A Very, very surreal and extremely incredible. It, it, it definitely didn't feel empty. It wasn't like, oh, now I'm somebody. It felt amazing because it was like, God and I are doing something together, and that's what was amazing. And so the most exciting part about all of this is, is the work we're doing in inner city Philly. Specifically with Shane Claiborne and potentially with, with Bill Strickland's group. Um, he's the author of a book called Make the Impossible Possible. He's got 17 centers around the world that provide job training skills and, and, uh, arts and crafts for inner city, um, youth and, and adults. And so that's been the most exciting thing about this. And, and, and to feel like, wow, God chose me to share this message. It's the most amazing thing. And I'm just a messenger. It's like that first week, there was so much talk about me Like, I'll give you an example. I'm, I'm in Philadelphia. I'm going to go to the next game, um, against the Rams, the snow game, and I'm in the elevator. I see all these Eagle fans. We're in all their gear. I said, hey, I heard one of your players was reading a book on the sideline. Is this true? And they said, oh, yeah, yeah. And I was like, um, what's the name of the book? And they're like, oh, inner excellence. I said, well, is it any good? They're like, oh, I don't know. We haven't read it. But the guy, he, he went from, uh, 500…

AI assessment note: “Very, very surreal and extremely incredible. It, it, it definitely didn't feel empty.”

Q How do we teach people to have courage or self-confidence to, to take this faith?

A Like, that's the selflessness. That's, that's the master of the ego. That's the willingness to look foolish and, and understand. So here's how, I'll give you an example. So I was at this, uh, playoff Um, PGA Tour playoffs in this, in practice round, and the golfer, and I was with, playing a hundred dollars a birdie, and the other two golfers birdied the first two holes. Now he's behind. He has a short birdie putt in the third hole, and he missed it. And he said, it was a short one, and he said he was nervous. And I said, you missed that because of your ego. And he said, what do you mean? I said, would you have missed that in, in practice, um, at your home course? He said, probably not. And I said, yeah, you were thinking about them, and you were concerned what they would think, and you really did not want to miss this in front of them, and that's what caused the nervousness and the tension that caused you to miss. Whenever you're in that moment when you're nervous and you really want something, obviously the best performance comes when you have freedom, but it's easy to get attached to that because you're like thinking, okay, this is really important. And so we get attached to it and have tension. So what you can do is ask yourself, what do I want more in this moment? To be successful right here this one time or to get better at these moments? In other words, to master my ego, …

AI assessment note: “So what you can do is ask yourself, what do I want more in this moment?”

Q things that my grade nine teacher told me, you know, back in the day, they don't do this anymore, but they used to write what they actually think. And she wrote my report card that went home to my parents, like, Shane will be lucky to graduate high school. And I like still think about that. Every like few weeks that pops in my head. What's your reaction to that?

A We're all human. And so our greatest need is for love and, and acceptance. And so we all have a mind that's, that's always threatened, always comparing and never satisfied. The part of the mind I call the ego. And so it's something that as humans, we're always battling with. The ego says, if you're more successful, you're going to get what you want most. It doesn't say this out loud or in certain words, but it's, that's what it's always implying is if you're successful, you're going to get what you want most, which is that love and connection. If you sell more books or get more followers or more money or more promotions, you're gonna get this thing that you need most. But the flip side is, if you fail, you're gonna, not only are you not gonna get that, you're gonna get the opposite. You're gonna get rejected. And so, this is always something that every human battles. And I, I try never to tell anyone what to do as a coach or a friend. What I try to do is help people clarify what they want most and help them get it. Because I know that if you come to me and you want to be world number one in a sport, I know that's not what you really want. I know, because I was in the same boat. I, I wanted to be a superstar Major League Baseball player or NFL player or NBA, and I thought that was the best possible life, was to make millions of dollars and be rich and famous and have every guy w…

AI assessment note: “We're all human. And so our greatest need is for love and, and acceptance.”

Q What do you struggle with today in, in relation to that? Anything?

A Well, it's the same thing everyone struggles with. When I come to those moments, I'm like, oh, I'm so uncomfortable right now, and then sometimes I've forgotten. It's like I had this conversation with my spiritual mentor, Nick Osborne, and he said what God does is he gives you a jacket that's two sizes too big, and that's what a loving parent does when you're four or five years old. You don't buy them a jacket that's perfectly fit because they're going to grow out of it too fast. So the parent's going to buy them a jacket that's a little bit too big, right, so they can grow into it. And he said that's what God does. He gives you this jacket that's too big. And then you put it on, you're like, whoa, this is not good. This is not right. This doesn't feel right. What's happened? And that's what I felt so much. It's like, okay, this is not, oh, okay, what's happening? I don't, I don't get it. This is uncomfortable. But God did that intentionally. He's doing that intensely. Because that's where you need to, self-reliance is the biggest problem that I face. And because I've got very little power, I've got very little ability. I've only, I've only seen the world through this little lens that I've, I want to be able to see all of reality. And so to do that, I need to surrender my little power.

AI assessment note: “self-reliance is the biggest problem that I face.”

Q Where does ego and sort of self-centeredness and self-confidence interact?

A Yeah, that's a great question, because what happens to most, most people, especially young athletes, is they have this confusion. Like, I know that for me to achieve my goals in sports, I need to be confident. And so, does that mean I need to talk about myself? Do I need to be brash and boastful? I had this great conversation with a major league all-star a year and a half ago. I said, pro athletes, they come to me because they want confidence. And that's great. Confidence is super helpful. But there's something even more powerful than confidence, and that's being fully present. I said, if you have two athletes that are, or performers that are the same talent, I'll take the fully present person over the fully confident one every single time. Because when you're confident, you can get careless. And just look at how many times that someone that's, that's super confident goes into a performance, and they don't perform great. It's pretty common. But it's way less common if you're fully present. And so this Major League All-Star told me, he said, I've experienced the same thing. And when I'm pitching, and I'm in the bullpen getting warmed up, and if I'm not dialed in, then my confidence isn't super high. But so then I have this conversation with myself. I say, look, I don't care what your outcome is. You can walk 10 guys, it doesn't matter, but you are going to be present out there. …

AI assessment note: “there's something even more powerful than confidence, and that's being fully present.”