The Exchanges

Q That's Emily Nagoski from episode 66, Pleasure is the Measure. Suzanne Iacenza is a psychologist and sex therapist. She appeared on episode 75 to discuss a variety of topics about relationships and sex, and we'll pick up our conversation with Suzanne with a discussion about the differences and connections between desire and arousal. And the question, what are the common ways that women get aroused?

A Well, you know, it's, I don't know if women are that different from men in terms of arousal. Arousal can happen in so many different ways. Um, arousal can happen through physical things that happen, like the hand in the right place with the right pace, whatever, right? It can happen with what happens in our heads, like fantasy, right? Or anything that, uh, either just appears to us, like, you know, your lover comes in as looking hot, To, like, you just bring in a fantasy of the last time you made love, and it was so great, or even the guy down the hall, and that, that turns you on while you're doing, you know, your stuff with your partner. So it could be in, in your mind, um, and it could be, uh, also relational. Like, um, You know, sometimes the old joke, it tells someone, oh, you want to do foreplay, then put the kids to bed. Tell your partner, your wife, your girlfriend, she can go and rest and take a nice bath, and you feed the kids, put them to bed, put out the garbage, clean the head, and that's foreplay, right? And now she's really going to be up.

AI assessment note: “Arousal can happen through physical things... in our heads... also relational.”

Q That was my next question. Like, how does arousal change during the course of a relationship? I mean, when you're 19 and 20, does it look, I'm assuming it looks a little bit different than when you're 70.

A It can, but I usually find, yeah, there are generalizations. You can say that as people age, um, does arousal become, um, more, um, does it diminish over time? But for some, it depends on the individuals. For some people, the, uh, in a long-term relationship, they might even be more aroused by their partner in their, I work with some people in their eighties. It's so great to work with the eight-year-olds because for some people, they love, they fall in love with their partners more as they get older. Because the love for them, and even the turn on is about everything they've gone through. It's such a rich lived life through all the real ups and downs that they so love that person, and they so want to pleasure them, or they're still so turned on. And also sometimes some studies will say, you know, being able to remember how hot it was when you were 20 when you're 80 doesn't hurt either. In other words, that's where fantasy could come in.

AI assessment note: “they might even be more aroused by their partner in their, I work with some”