The Exchanges

Q Why is it important to label your emotions?

A There is research that shows that when adults label what they're feeling, it gives them more control over the emotion they have. And by control, I don't mean they repress it. I don't mean they just stuff it down and pretend it's not there. It gives them the ability to notice the feeling, but not to act on it. It gives them more choice in the moment. And so I want to add a few important points about that. That labeling is just another part of shining the flashlight on it, right? Noticing what you're feeling. Otherwise we're often just in the grip of what's going on. And the frontal cortex is not really engaged. The part of us that thinks the executive function, we're just in the grip of anger. Whereas if instead we can pull the camera back a little bit and see ourselves there being angry and notice the feelings, right? But we're, and we say, oh, I'm feeling really angry. Then we have a choice of, okay, I'm feeling angry, but do I necessarily want to act on it? Notice I'm saying I'm feeling angry. I haven't said I am getting angry. I am angry. Because that implies that we're at the mercy of our anger. That anger is all we are at this moment. You're not just angry.

AI assessment note: “when adults label what they're feeling, it gives them more control over the emotion”

Q That's interesting. Is it that parents can't regulate themselves, or is there something about parenting situations? Like, is it an adult thing where we have problems actually regulating our own emotions, or is it related to the situation of parenting and the context in which those come up, which we've probably not had a lot of experience with?

A You're so right, Shane, because we, I hear all the time from parents who Are just fine in the workplace or even their teachers and their people's children. So it isn't even just childish behavior that sets us off. Sometimes it's that our children push our buttons in a way nobody else could because some, those buttons were installed in childhood. And so when our child, when our two year old yells at us, I want a new daddy, you know, or, You're not the boss of me or whatever. That's really more like a four year old thing. But when, when a young child yells at us and is defiant with us, it brings up all our anxieties of when we were that age and we had those same feelings. And if we had done that, we might've been smacked across the room. So it brings up all of the unconscious stuff that we don't even know about from when we were one and two and three and four and five, because the brain doesn't store memories in a straightforward way. At that time, before the hippocampus is online, which is the part of the brain that is the memory maker, before the hippocampus is online, memories are made and stored in a more holistic, visceral way. So you can have, you can smell something that will remind you of your grandparents' house, or in the case of one client I know, the basement where her mother put her when she was naughty, or Or your, your mother's perfume, and your mother's been dead …

AI assessment note: “Sometimes it's that our children push our buttons in a way nobody else could”

Q Is the way we connect with them different between dads and moms?

A Yes, I forgot that part of your question. Yeah, so I think that the research shows that moms and dads are often different in the way they relate to children. When there's a mother and a father in a household at the same time, often the mother is the more tender, nurturing parent. The father is the more playful, exuberant parent. The mother is the one who moves the child through the schedule, so she's often The disciplinarian, but the father might not spend as much time around the child, might not even Have the same history of having worked out problems before or even move the child through the routine and might have less patience with the child and so might lose their temper more easily. That's sort of the, the stereotypes when parents live together. But, and, and we learned that nurturing is really important, that playing with the child, being playful is really important, that really parents both bring something important to the table there. And it is natural, I will add, for children to have a hierarchy of attachment objects, people. So it is natural for a child who lives with both parents to have one parent who they select as being the one that they will most go to when they're hurt because they know that parent is the, their comfort object. Um, and you know, it's completely, it's designed by, it's designed actually by biology that says, you know, don't waste time Wandering …

AI assessment note: “research shows that moms and dads are often different in the way they relate”

Q What's the most common thing you see go wrong when families sort of, uh, blend together?

A Well, I have seen that, oh my goodness, it's so hard to, to make a blanket generalization here. I have seen that often parents allow the other parents to do the disciplining for their child. They, that now that they're a family unit, That naturally, the new stepdad, or the new stepmom, since she's home more, let's say, um, that that parent is the disciplinarian for all the kids, or is, is equally allowed to be disciplinarian for your kids and theirs. I just think it's a mistake. I think that no one is going to be as, as appropriate in their guidance of your child as you are, even your Even the child's other natural parent, you may feel as a less good parent than you are. Often we feel that way when we look at our ex, right? But certainly the new stepdad or mom on the scene, there are two reasons. One is they're not going to be seeing the child the way you are. They don't know the child as well as you do, and they, they are not going to give the child the benefit of the doubt the way you will. They're, they don't necessarily have your child's best interests at heart on his people level. It's that simple. In fact, I'm going to say something really big here, which is that, um, when a new man comes on the scene in a child's life, a new man is now with their mother, their risk of being abused or in fact being killed in childhood goes up. Now, that's a huge thing to say, and it's not…

AI assessment note: “often parents allow the other parents to do the disciplining for their child”

Q the heat of the heat of the moment, something happens that they would otherwise not want to, and then they demonstrate sort of a correct way or a very adult, uh, way to deal with the situation. Uh, what about the people who suppress that and don't Don't actually say anything, but then feel something and can't communicate that to their, their partner. How does that affect the parenting relationship?

A So they feel something. We know they feel something, but they're not modeling for their child how to work that out. So the parent-child relationship, um, is eroded a little bit because the child sees that parent is not completely emotionally trustworthy. This parent is capable of attacking the other parent, or this parent lets themselves be attacked. And doesn't stand up for themselves and doesn't try to work things out. This person is somewhat powerless and at the mercy of relationships or this person did the attack and didn't take responsibility for it. Either way, the parent is not taking emotional responsibility and the child sees them as not completely trustworthy. So the child can still have a good relationship with that person, but maybe the child feels they need to protect this parent in the future from the other parent. And that's a responsibility your child should not have. Or maybe the child sees this parent to be attacking. And they don't totally trust this parent not to attack them sometime. Right. So it's going to affect your relationship with your child. That's one thing. Of course, you're also modeling a less than constructive way of relating to a partner for your child. Right. And of course you're undermining your marriage or other partnership.

AI assessment note: “the parent-child relationship, um, is eroded a little bit because the child sees”

Q I want to come back to sort of responsibilities and resilience, but before we, we move on, I want to talk about, um, what coaching, what does coaching your kids mean? You said coach instead of punish. What's talk to me about that.

A So I think that much of the time, if we haven't given any conscious thought to this, we find ourselves with a baby who's going into a toddler who wants certain things. And we Here's this little human who we can't communicate with so well verbally, you know, and who really doesn't have much prefrontal cortex. So we can't reason with them. And we don't really know what to do to get them to do what we want. So we just start using force. We pick them up when they go to a place we don't want them to go to. We, we say no. And then we start escalating. No, I said no. And maybe we slap their hand. No, don't touch that. Like, because we don't really know how to get our child to do what we want, except through force. And some parents don't want to be that parent, so they instead use bribes. They use rewards, you know, and all of that presupposes that our child is an object to be manipulated, um, or at least somebody who doesn't have much brain power, right? Uh, so we're, we're, um, we're using rewards and punishment as opposed to coaching the child to be their best self. So when I say coaching, I mean, A few things. First, I mean emotion coaching, so the child can handle their emotions better. That's a big thing. But I also mean coaching by setting up the environment, which means maybe that thing we don't want our child to touch, we need to move away while the child's a toddler. Put it u…

AI assessment note: “So when I say coaching, I mean, A few things. First, I mean emotion coaching”

Q when we talk about perhaps kids that have two households and the differing sort of ways that parents handle things and how that might create confusion for kids. But before we do that, I want to talk about connecting with our kids, which is sort of like the second key to parenting. What does that mean? And specifically, how is that different for dads and moms or is it different?

A Well, as I said, it's a relationship parenting. It's not a set of strategies. So if it's a relationship, that's what the connection is. And we know from attachment studies that babies as young as 14 months have formed an opinion about every adult who's important to them and whether that adult is trustworthy. And by trustworthy, I specifically mean, will that adult comfort them when they're upset? Will that adult accept The full range of feelings the child has, which includes not just needs And, um, need for comfort, but all anger. Is the child allowed to be angry with you? Is the child allowed to be who they are? And that includes be who they are minute to minute with all of those inconvenient emotions and still be loved and still get their needs met. Not every desire, but their needs met by the parent. And we know the kids, as I say, as young as 14 months have already made that judgment based on the relationship they're experiencing. So as they get older, they build on that relationship. Sometimes parents change dramatically. And children will change their working model of that relationship. It's good for kids to have more than one parent that they interact with, or more than one close person. It could be a grandparent. It could be a nanny. It could be a teacher who stays in their life for a long time. Most teachers don't stay more than a year. But children form working models…

AI assessment note: “So if it's a relationship, that's what the connection is.”

Q and nine and I just kind of let them go with their shoes, um, as sort of a natural consequence to that. But I'm always looking for ways to, A, I'm looking like, is that age appropriate? I don't know. Um, but I mean, I'm always looking for ways to give my kids more responsibility and And I'm not quite sure what that means. Can you help me understand that?

A Yeah, that's, that's a great question. And I was using responsibility in the emotional sense of stepping up and taking responsibility for your end of the multiplication, but you're right. It's about stepping up and take responsibility for every action you take. And ultimately, if you want a good life, it's about taking responsibility, even for the thoughts you have, because the thoughts create the emotions. So if your thought is just to finish that last point, if your thought is my partner is being a jerk or my partner often is a jerk, you're going to have a very different relationship than if your thought is, wow, we always have a hard time when we're leaving the house because of X, Y, and Z, but we could solve those things, right? Very different. If we work at it together as a team, right? Very different. So responsibility for themselves as in wearing boots. So age appropriate. Yes. So So first of all, a five-year-old doesn't care if their feet get wet, so they're gonna resist putting on their boots, unless they love their boots, and it gives them permission to stomp in the puddles, and then they'll be thrilled about the boots, right? But the five-year-old does not probably think about the boots themselves, usually. Whereas an eight or nine-year-old could consider that, yes, boots, it's raining, boots are a smart idea. But is that a habit yet? Right? I mean, some people don't…

AI assessment note: “responsibility for themselves as in wearing boots. So age appropriate. Yes.”