The Wisdom Wall

“So when you can decouple those, Then actually you give yourself the ability to influence people in a way nobody else can.”

“No, I don't think it's ever necessary. I'm very much against it.”

“your response to my tone of voice is a neurochemical response, which means it's not a choice. And if it's, if I can trigger neurochemicals in your brain, then you can't stop me from triggering them. Now you can fight them. But I can initiate the process, which then is why curiosity is impossible to resist, because my…”

“And then they show us how a crowd of peaceful demonstrators, numbering anywhere from 50 to 2000, Can be turned into a raging violent mob by six instigators. Only six instigators to turn a peaceful crowd of a thousand into a raging violent mob.”

“And then why, if you're not angry yet, I might say to you, this is gonna make you angry. And it doesn't plant anger, it inoculates you from it.”

“no matter where you grew up, no matter what your ethnicity, your culture, your diet, your religion, I know that you've got these five core emotions. And so empathy, tactical empathy works with Arabs, works with Persians works with Latinos because you're a human being.”

“Simultaneously, I can, I can open anybody up like anybody with my curiosity because curiosity is impossible to resist.”

“They're prepared for arguments. They're not, they, they were never prepared for empathy. Ever.”

“So tells per se are strictly within context to the person. And I will talk to you long enough until I get an idea of what you look like when you're telling the truth. That's what I'm looking for.”

“But when you're being ghosted, you're going, you're going to get a response within three to five minutes of them seeing it. So when you send it, you ought to be staying by your device in case they see it right away. Cause it's coming, screaming back at you.”

“I say I'm sorry all the time in front of bad news, not after it. And it's a softener. It's a warning... If I say, I'm sorry in front, you're like, Ooh, what's coming? You're ready for bad news. You're prepped. If I give you bad news and then say, I'm sorry, then you're like, why didn't you warn me? It was coming. So…”

“So whether we like it or not, bosses, supervisors are conditioned to think of everybody as selfish. Because every time you come to me, you want, all you want is something for yourself. That's the reality.”

“empathy was originally designed to not be sympathy. It's been contorted, convoluted into usage. These days people say if you have empathy, that means you sympathize, you have compassion. Empathy is just observing the other person's Emotions. And where it's you getting out of the way.”

“Uh, without question, uh, communication, emotional intelligence is an unlimited skill and a perishable skill. So if you haven't built it, You haven't built it. You know, it's like going to the gym. You're not going to be in shape unless you go to the gym. Stop going to the gym. You start sliding back.”

“I have to say something that's really close to what the voice in your head is saying at the moment, because otherwise the voice in your head is going to distract you. So as soon as I start lining up with a voice in your head, you don't listen to that. You start listening to me. Now I've got influence.”

“It has shown consistently that calling out negatives, not denying them, calling them out, diffuses them.”

“the manipulative negotiators learn that using that phrase will cause you, probably cause you to compromise your position because inside you'd be like, I don't want to be unfair.”

“even if you're great at lying, it's exhaustive. And if I talk to you long enough, you're going to say something contradictory and I'm going to figure it out. So even if I'm good at it, you're going to catch me ultimately. And then the relationship is destroyed.”

“They're, they, they have been nurtured into assertion, but then when they, if they can blend assertion with the soft skills, then suddenly they're, they're superstars.”

“people are conditioned that if they say yes, they're letting themselves in for something that they don't want. There's a hidden trap. So even if it's something they should say yes to, they won't do it or they're just, they do it painfully because they're, they've been conditioned. They've been trapped by yes.”

“Summarize to how they see things until they say that's right. Because there's the underlying assumption of that is that your perception of reality is accurate. So while it may be accurate, it's always, it's always incomplete. There's no such thing as perfect information.”

“I know that that's, that's an aspect of being an assertive. We don't feel heard. We want to say it again more loudly.”

“Getting what you want is secondary for each type, not primary. What the assertive really wants is respect and to know they've been heard. If you treat an assertive with respect and you show them that they've been heard, they're going to come significantly in your direction on the deal, if not all the way.”

“Cause conflict is just one outcome. They see conflict is highly inefficient and it's a, it's an inefficient choice. And there are many other choices. So they just avoid conflict. There are also, um, some people refer to them as avoiders. I think that's an inaccurate. I think the more analytical, what do they want?…”

“Accommodators. What do they want? Relationship oriented, hope oriented, positivity oriented. What they really want is for us to have a great interaction.”

“Analysts love to think they love silence. And in silence with you, they will start to bond with you. Shared silence is a bonding experience. Because you're being quiet because you obviously like to think. And you respect that they like to think.”

“Now, accommodator, relationship oriented. The silent treatment is the meanest thing they could do. It signals fury to go silent.”

“Like if I can get myself three seconds of space, then that's enough time to gather myself up. I get triggered. If I don't give myself that three seconds, and I, and I start going down, going down a rabbit hole, I lose control too.”

“So there's only, there's two, there's only two possibilities why talking to you doesn't do them any good, and it's usually a combination of both. You're not listening, or at least they feel you're not listening, because all you're doing is giving advice, making your case, presenting your value proposition. That's going…”

“that immediately tells your employer, you're a team player. You're not grabbing on your own behalf. And not only you're a team player, you want to play in a championship. So even if you don't get into the championship, they know you want to be there and they notice you and they keep an eye on you.”

“Now what you've just done with that question is recruited an unofficial mentor. Cause they're gonna watch to see if you do what they told you to do. To see if you take instruction. First critical issue. Do you know how to do what you're told? Secondly, they now have an unofficial vested interest in your success. And…”

“almost everything, why is almost everything in negotiation? You're negotiating for people's time. That's a commodity. Time is always a commodity involved. Even if it's a cash transaction, there's time is involved. Money's not always involved. And most people think they're only in a negotiation when you start talking…”

“In concise emails, an email that's, once you get north of five lines, you're bordering on it being too long.”

“You can say it in a way you can demonstrate understanding without agreement. This is the way it seems to you. I'm going to seem like a jerk. That doesn't say that you are. It's an awareness of the impact that you're going to have on the other side, based on their context and their experience, which you may have played…”

“your first move is to remove yourself as a threat. Then you're out of conflict because you're no longer a threat.”

“Cause I'll, I'll make, I'll make fun of myself. And if somebody really wants to run with it, then I know, and then I know, all right, so if you're ignoring my feelings, you're ignoring the feelings of other people on a team as well.”

“basically in inauthentic is exhausting, and they can't keep up with the lies. So if they're hiding from you who they are, when they get tired, you're going to see who they are. So they'll be able to keep it up early in the morning, fresh cup of coffee, rocking and rolling by the afternoon. You're going to get the real…”

“let's say they're yammering on about the PTA. I'll probably say, what do you love about the PTA? Now that's probably going to trigger an instantaneous state change in them and change the conversation. And then I can dig into it deeply and pretty soon I'm going to find out fascinating stuff about them.”