The Exchanges

Q Like, what are some of the biggest myths that even smart people believe about sex these days?

A I think the biggest myth is that the bigger the penis, the better the sex. And like, like, yeah, sure. Some women have orgasms from cervical stimulation, but not a lot, right? So, 85% of women need clitoral stimulation to climax, which doesn't require a large penis. And so it's like, it's more about, and you know, people joke, oh, it's the motion in the ocean, whatever, whatever. Like, yeah, it is partially how you move and how you use your other, your other body, right? Your mouth, your fingers, your whatever, your toys, whatever you bring to the bedroom, like those things are just as important. And honestly, it's not even just about penetration. Like it's about using, like exploring, finding your erogenous zones, like, like you stimulating other areas and not just being so genital Focus. Like it's not all about the orgasm. It's also about the pleasure you feel while you're being intimate and the connection you have with the person. So I think that is the biggest myth is like that penetration and size are everything.

AI assessment note: “the biggest myth is that the bigger the penis, the better the sex.”

Q You know, and we talked a little bit about porn for women, but let's talk about porn for men. Um, I've heard lots of negative things about porn. Is porn bad to watch?

A Yeah, so I think that there are, um, I think there's a few, like, it's, it's a very complex and nuanced discussion. So I think porn has been around for a long, long time, right? It's not new. Porn has been around for a long time, but it's never been as accessible as it is today. It's in our pockets. It's everywhere you go. You can literally pull up, uh, Porn video for free anytime. And so that's a problem because people will use it as an escape from like distressing emotions. So it's like, why are you using porn? There's actually studies that look at like, what are, why do people use it? So people use it for pleasure. People use it for learning new skills. People use it to, um, to like escape. People use it to avoid negative feelings. And that's where it becomes a problem, right? You use it Um, for negative feelings, and then you might, and if you have some, you know, moral incongruence, like you feel shame because of using it, because of the way you were raised, or because of what society tells you, and then you feel more bad feelings, and then you use it again, and then you have more bad feelings, and it becomes this vicious cycle, and so that's where it becomes a problem, but there's many, many people, I mean, like, I think realistically, uh, 90 plus percent of the population has watched pornography at some point in their lifetime, and Most people just use it as a tool to ha…

AI assessment note: “Most people just use it as a tool... It's when it becomes this, like, moral incongruence”

Q Um, Like, how long do humans normally want to still have sex? Like, until what age? And how do we increase the amount and duration of our age to want to have sex?

A So it's interesting. I actually just say when I was a resident, I don't think I ever published it, but I did a study because I was like, I asked this exact question. I was like, what about older people? Like how old are they when they, turns out that 89 year olds still want to have sex. And honestly, what I think what happens is that, um, if you, if you continue to cultivate desire, like you still like took care of yourself and you continue to have sex throughout your life and you, um, and you You will still continue to want it, right? Because there's a natural urge to want pleasure, and to enjoy people, and to have intimacy and connection. But what really happens is sometimes people start getting sexual dysfunction, and so they avoid sex, and then as you stop having sex, or you start avoiding it, your desire decreases too. And so that whole thing about use it or lose it is sort of true in the sense that, like, if you don't continue to have sex, um, you, your desire will automatically get lower. The other thing is if you're not getting good blood flow to the genitals, They will start to develop changes in the tissues, which will lead to maybe scarring or what we call fibrosis, which will then make it even more difficult to get blood flow down there because the tissues are no longer healthy. And so that's another thing that happens. So that's why I think sex span is much shorter…

AI assessment note: “turns out that 89 year olds still want to have sex.”

Q like all of a sudden the Hulk's picking up the woman every seven seconds. They're having sex everywhere. The sex is glorious. She has to do nothing. Um, you know, it's, it's totally blissful. Um, And then we should have that for the 50 years that we're married. Like, is that reasonable? Or is it totally unreasonable to think that you won't have to plan sex as you get older?

A I would say that it's likely unreasonable to think that, right? I mean, I can't say there's not people. I mean, there's certainly people who are more sexual. And like, say you are reading those books, like that means you're probably going to be more into your partner. So there's data that like women who watch pornography, and this is not like everybody, but like women who enjoy those sorts of things are more sexually adventurous, more You know, they like to have sex with their partner and they actually have more sex if you look at the amount of time they have sex with their partner. So, um, so there is like, you know, if you are, you know, potentially consuming things together as a couple or you, but, or you, that's naturally the kind of person you are, then yes, absolutely. If your partner's also that way, it's possible. But I would say most times you have to work at it because life is ever evolving, right? Like your priorities are not the same at all times in your life. Imagine yourself 10 years ago, Very different than where you're sitting right now. And it'll be very different 10 years from now. And so, you know, it, it takes work. And I think the thing is, people are so afraid to work at sex. Like, why should I have to work at sex?

AI assessment note: “I would say that it's likely unreasonable to think that, right?”

Q in the future we're going to change some of these trajectories? Like, will it be possible for us to have more sex in the future? Do you have positive outlooks on how we could change this? Or are you like, unless we make major changes, uh, fertility is going to be an issue And sexual intimacy is going to be an issue and you don't like where the future's headed.

A We have to make changes. And I think people are starting to see it. Like I think so in Europe, they're making decisions. They're making some legislation. I forget which country exactly where they're encouraging. They're, um, giving incentives for people to go on vacation because vacation is stress, but not because they want people to go on vacation and use their money because they actually want people to go on vacation, de-stress and have sex and have babies. Right? Because they're realizing that their population is declining, and that who's going to take care of the aging generation? So I think it is going to have to come to some degree from, um, from legislation. Also, like, women are delaying childbirth because there's no support, right? Like, you're young, and you don't have, you don't want to quit your job, uh, but child care is expensive, and like, there's no support, and women are not getting motivated, or promoted, or they're looked at as, you know, not as valuable employees because they're going to go have pregnancy. We have to change that, right?

AI assessment note: “We have to make changes. And I think people are starting to see it.”

Q Is it true that women start to desire sex less, and that our libido goes down as we get older? And if that is true, can we get it back? And how?

A So low libido is very common. In fact, 40% of women will have low libido in their lifetime. Your sexual desire is based on a variety of different things. So what happens initially, right? Think about when you're younger and you're dating and you're really excited to see your partner. There's like this atmosphere of desire. You're like, oh, I can't wait to go on a date with you. I'm going to shave my legs. I'm going to look really attractive. I'm going to make sure I'm ready for sex, right? If it comes, because you may not, right? You're still dating. And so you're like, okay, let's, Let's be ready. And then you get this, like, you get excited about it. And then you get to be with your partner. It's really fun and attractive and you, and you have great time and everything's wonderful. But then as you're in a longer term relationship, you're like, they're always there. They're always there. And I'm busy and I'm tired. And maybe I'm not in the mood today. Maybe you're not in the mood right now. And so it becomes like, you never prioritize sex. Cause you're like, why would I prioritize sex? I've got a job, some kids, like, uh, you know, my parents are aging, all this other stuff is going on. I'm, you know, Like, that's, that'll happen when it happens. It's supposed to be spontaneous. It's supposed to see my partner, see them get turned on and jump them, right? Like, that's how it s…

AI assessment note: “It becomes, it's called responsive desire. So you start like being with your partner”