The Exchanges

Q But what if it involves their style of doing things, like it's more about how the employee is versus what they did?

A One of the things that we really get confused about with feedback is the difference between, you don't want to criticize personality, but you don't only want to criticize the work. You can also criticize somebody's behavior, because somebody's behavior might be tripping them up for years. There was a, a person who worked with me And people tended to perceive him as very negative. Now, feedback saying you're negative would, would have just discouraged him, and in fact, the way I started out into giving him the feedback was exactly the wrong way, and this is important to remember, because you never know what's the right way and the wrong way, and at least if you start, you can correct. So when I first told him about this problem, he said, oh, my wife has been telling me this forever, and all her friends think I hate them, But I don't. At first, what I, what I did with him was I started pointing out examples in meetings where he had been negative, and I realized I myself was becoming quite negative. If you're skiing, you don't want to look at the tree, you don't want to hit, you want to look at the path through the tree. When we started focusing on what he did right, it became clear to both of us that the reason why he often seemed negative to his colleagues Was that he found a hard problem exciting, fun to challenge, and so what was for him exciting was discouraging for everybody…

AI assessment note: “You can also criticize somebody's behavior, because somebody's behavior might be tripping them up”

Q And is there, like, a right time? Because isn't there this wisdom that you should try to solicit feedback when you're doing monthly check-ins, one-on-ones, meetings, or should you just do it kind of in the flow? Like, is there a best practice around this?

A Alan Eustace, who was the head of engineering at Google, said one of the best times to ask for feedback is when you know the other person is mad at you, because they're more likely to tell you what they really think. Oh, interesting. So use those emotions. Andy Grove, who was the CEO of Intel. He's a big hero of ours. Yes, he let his employees get through all their agenda items, and, and he said, what you need to do is wait until they've got everything off their mind, and then come up with your question, ask your question, and this brings us to step number two, because I always thought, after you ask the question, your goal was to try to make the other person comfortable. That that's what would tell, get them to tell you the truth. But Andy explained that was exactly wrong. He said, actually, what you need to do is the opposite. You need to embrace the discomfort.

AI assessment note: “one of the best times to ask for feedback is when you know the other person is mad”

Q So, okay then, on the flip side, how can people receive, not just give feedback better?

A One of the pieces of advice that I often give people is just eliminate from your vocabulary, don't take it personally. Because we spend more time at work than we do in any other activity of our lives. We spend more time with our colleagues than we do with our spouses or our children. And so, of course, when you screw it up, it hits you in the gut. I mean, it, it, it, It is ok to have an emotional reaction, and I think that that's the most important thing to remember, is that we are human beings, and we care about our work, and that's why we're having an emotional reaction, and that is ok. Now, when you're on the soliciting feedback or the receiving end, I like to focus on doing four different things.

AI assessment note: “eliminate from your vocabulary, don't take it personally. Because we spend more time at work”

Q But what if it involves their style of doing things, like it's more about how the employee is versus what they did?

A One of the things that we really get confused about with feedback is the difference between, you don't want to criticize personality, but you don't only want to criticize the work. You can also criticize somebody's behavior, because somebody's behavior might be tripping them up for years. There was a, a person who worked with me And people tended to perceive him as very negative. Now, feedback saying you're negative would, would have just discouraged him, and in fact, the way I started out into giving him the feedback was exactly the wrong way, and this is important to remember, because you never know what's the right way and the wrong way, and at least if you start, you can correct. So when I first told him about this problem, he said, oh, my wife has been telling me this forever, and all her friends think I hate them, But I don't. At first, what I, what I did with him was I started pointing out examples in meetings where he had been negative, and I realized I myself was becoming quite negative. If you're skiing, you don't want to look at the tree, you don't want to hit, you want to look at the path through the tree. When we started focusing on what he did right, it became clear to both of us that the reason why he often seemed negative to his colleagues Was that he found a hard problem exciting, fun to challenge, and so what was for him exciting was discouraging for everybody…

AI assessment note: “you don't want to criticize personality, but you don't only want to criticize the work.”

Q So, okay then, on the flip side, how can people receive, not just give feedback better?

A One of the pieces of advice that I often give people is just eliminate from your vocabulary, don't take it personally. Because we spend more time at work than we do in any other activity of our lives. We spend more time with our colleagues than we do with our spouses or our children. And so, of course, when you screw it up, it hits you in the gut. I mean, it, it, it, It is ok to have an emotional reaction, and I think that that's the most important thing to remember, is that we are human beings, and we care about our work, and that's why we're having an emotional reaction, and that is ok. Now, when you're on the soliciting feedback or the receiving end, I like to focus on doing four different things.

AI assessment note: “eliminate from your vocabulary, don't take it personally”