The Exchanges

Q Let's actually talk about this one while we're on it, because I think this is a really powerful technique. An idea just, just to kind of summarize, you picture ahead of time what it's going to look like and feel like you talking, looking at the audience. Can you talk about that and just how to go about using that technique?

A Yeah, absolutely. So visualization allow, and this is some of the oldest research on public speaking anxiety. It was research done in the eighties from the University of Oregon. So visualization, what it does is it allows you to See the event in a way that you have much more control over it. So you can think about it. So a good visualization involves some deep breathing to calm yourself. Either you close your eyes or you just, uh, look at a picture. Maybe you can get a picture of the environment you're speaking in. I often recommend speakers, uh, see the room, even if they're not physically present, but get a picture online, uh, or some way envision yourself in the room, envision yourself in the room with the people you'll be speaking to. Often we know the individuals or some of them, We can also go online and figure out who they are. So visualization is a really useful technique, and you see yourself not just in the moment of speaking, but getting up to the stage, delivering the presentation, seeing it being well received, thinking about how you step off the stage. And by taking yourself through that, you in essence are doing a dress rehearsal, even though you're not physically in the room. And there's good research to say that this desensitizes people. We see athletes do this kind of thing all the time where they'll do visualization. To help them. And, and it really does work…

AI assessment note: “a good visualization involves some deep breathing to calm yourself”

Q So, another one to try, even though it sounds really trivial. Kind of along these lines, there's another technique you recommend, which is a mantra. Having a mantra you repeat to yourself. I don't know if it's kind of the same general idea, but you have a couple mantras that you recommend to people, like, I have value to add and things like that. What advice do you have there?

A Yes. Thank you. And that's mine. Uh, the one that I, that you shared is I have value to add. So if you, if we were to really listen to the voice in our heads, when it comes to communication, uh, we say a lot of negative things to ourselves. We say things like, you know, I'm not prepared. I'm not gonna be as good as this person. I'm an imposter. We, we carry around with us a lot of this chatter That actually sets us up to not do well or to be more nervous. So if we can actually change that talk track, it can help us. So I'm not saying you have to go to an extreme and say, I'm going to be the best communicator ever. Rather, you can simply say, as I do, and as you alluded to, what I'll say right before I speak is I have value to bring. Often when we are in communicative situations, especially at work, people want to hear from us. We've been invited to speak. Uh, we're on the, the agenda for For the meeting. There is value people can take from our communication. And we just have to remind ourselves of that. So having some little mantra that you can say that's, that's not over the top, but just makes sense. It could be as simple as you've got this, or I'm prepared, or I know my stuff. And I actually encourage people to write it on a post-it note. If you're old school, sometimes people put it into their phones as a reminder. So like a minute or two minutes before they're set To give …

AI assessment note: “having some little mantra that you can say that's not over the top”

Q So mellow. Okay. Are there any other techniques that you love that you find people find really helpful in calming their anxiety?

A Well, so the, the first book had 50 techniques and not all 50 techniques work for everybody. Uh, one that I personally think is a lot of fun, uh, is getting present oriented because when I'm in the present, by definition, I'm not worried about the future. And many of our anxiety comes from our fear of a potential negative future outcome. Like I'm not gonna achieve my goal. So if I can do anything to be in the present moment, that helps me out a lot. Something I do as part of my personal anxiety management plan is I say tongue twisters. Tongue twisters for me are a great way to get present oriented. You can't say it right if you don't say the tongue twister, uh, if you're not focused on the present moment. And it also warms up your voice. A lot of nervous speakers get so inside their head that they don't warm up their voice. And we all know if you've ever done any exercise or competed in any sports, you should warm up first. We have this mistaken notion that we can go from silence to brilliance without warming up. And I like saying tongue twisters out loud to get present oriented. And to warm up my voice. So that's one that I, I often recommend. People think it's silly, but I have people who like, that really works. It really helps me to get centered and to warm up. And so I like that one a lot.

AI assessment note: “Something I do as part of my personal anxiety management plan is I say tongue twisters.”

Q thinking about this and listening to this, there's your course, obviously they teach at Stanford and only Stanford students can take that. There's your book, obviously. Is there anything else just, and if there's nothing, that's totally fine that you point people to, to get, to actually practice these outside of the workplace? Are there courses that anyone can take that you recommend? Anything else you can point people to?

A Absolutely. There are a lot of resources out there. So, uh, one, I'm a huge proponent and a former member of Toastmasters. I think Toastmasters is a wonderful organization, uh, designed primarily to give you the reps, right? They do some teaching, but it's really to give you the reps. So, uh, I, I highly recommend Toastmasters. Improvisation is another way to get comfortable with these skills. When people hear improv, they think, uh, oh, I gotta be funny and it's about performing and it's not. Improv is really just about being more comfortable, Being present and really focusing on collaborating with others and then their courses. So you, you mentioned obviously that the people have to be MBA students to take my MBA class, but Stanford and other institutions have continuing studies classes or extension classes that are open to the community. So I every quarter teach a class that's open to anybody who registers all over the world. It's virtual. I have students this very quarter who take a class on a Monday night, Pacific time, seven PM. I've got somebody in Egypt. I have somebody in China, you know, so, so there are ways to, to take advantage of things happening at universities, uh, without being an enrolled student. So I would point people to all of those. And then clearly listening to podcasts, reading books, checking out blogs and videos can be really helpful.

AI assessment note: “I'm a huge proponent and a former member of Toastmasters.”

Q Another element of a great toast that you recommend is to be emotional. Can you touch on that?

A Well, so emotion connects with people and as long as it's genuine and authentic, uh, it's really important. Um, I've been thinking a lot about emotion and communication. My, my father recently passed away and I gave, I, you know, everybody in my family said, well, Matt's gonna do the eulogy. I mean, I, it was like, I had no choice because what do I do? I'm the guy who teaches communication. So I felt added pressure, not only to honor my father's life, but like, everybody's like, this is the way you do a eulogy. And so I wanted to do some research on what's all the advice out there on eulogies. And there, there wasn't a lot. So I actually wrote an article on, on my experience and, you know, hopefully it'll help people. But the point is in those circumstances where there's a lot of emotion, it's important because it connects to the audience. It's, it makes it human, but sometimes the emotion can get in the way for you as a communicator. Imagine giving, I mean, I was very concerned that my emotion would, Cover up or overshadow the honoring I was trying to do of my father. But the same thing can happen in, in any kind of toast situation. So think about emotion. Emotion is a tool to use. The best way to convey emotion in a toast is through the anecdotes you use. The anecdotes reveal the emotion. Uh, it's one thing to say, I am so sad. It's another thing to tell a story that is sad. …

AI assessment note: “The best way to convey emotion in a toast is through the anecdotes you use.”

Q What is your advice for how to think about structuring? If you're on the spot, like, oh shit, how do I share something smart in that?

A See that the, the bad word came out. Um, so you're ready for my tongue twister, but the, um, so structure is critical. In spontaneous speaking, most of us, because we, we feel the intense pressure, the anxiety we just talked about, we just spew out information. We list and itemize information. We take our audience on the journey of our own discovery of what we want to say as we're saying it. And our brains are not wired for lists of information. Uh, in fact, you know, Lenny, how many items do you need to buy from the grocery store before you actually have to physically write it down? For me, it's four. Anything over four. I'm gonna forget something. Our brains aren't wired for lists, right?

AI assessment note: “structure is critical. In spontaneous speaking, most of us... we just spew out information.”